Goodnight Irene, the stores are closed

Sometimes I shopped in the country

Sometimes I shopped in the town

Sometimes I fed the kids at the mall

When the sitter let me down.

Santa’s on a beer break, 

The parking lot’s empty and cold

The mall is draped in tacky, 

I’m feeling tired and old.

So home we go in traffic

No TV or X-box tonight

We’ll make Christmas lists together

And bring to our dark moods some light.

I’ve mixed a lovely eggnog (mine is stronger than the kids’)

I’ve set fire to a Yule Log and stopped the “I didn’t, he dids!”

Pencils out, paper ready, we sit down by the fire

For the kids and I and the catalogs with Santa to conspire.

           (dainty sip of eggnog)

Their lists are long

But mine is longer

Their eggnog’s sweet

But mine is stronger.

            (sips again)

Dear Santa, you and I have had

A long and close relation,

So if you go out shoppin’ for me,

Follow instructions without variation.

             (another sip of eggnog)

One:  no blended yarns from livestock that feel suspiciously like cat 

Two:  no flimsy silk-ish tops that need camis, ‘cause they make me itch.

Three: no mini skirts, no leather shorts (the public will thank you for that).

Four: no falling hems, no slipping cuffs, even just by a stitch

           (mmm eggnog)

No splitting seams, no fraying edges, no plastic threads -- 

And please oh please not one thing that sheds!

Oh, festive spirits, joyful smiles,

No, the kids are laughing at the website styles

          (shlllurrps eggnog)

Santa, dear, when I’m dressed up in finest holiday fettle

Don’t spoil my ensemble with mystery metal

           (pours more eggnog)

Gosh, this was going to be such a sweet little list

And look at me now, I am totally p----d.

            (chugs eggnog)

 And NO you may NOT taste my eggnog.

Give me back that iPad, you little wretch, or I will tie a knot in the top of your stocking

And what I will tell Santa about you and your brothers will be totally shocking.    (urrpppp)

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