Sometimes I shopped in the country
Sometimes I shopped in the town
Sometimes I fed the kids at the mall
When the sitter let me down.
Santa’s on a beer break,
The parking lot’s empty and cold
The mall is draped in tacky,
I’m feeling tired and old.
So home we go in traffic
No TV or X-box tonight
We’ll make Christmas lists together
And bring to our dark moods some light.
I’ve mixed a lovely eggnog (mine is stronger than the kids’)
I’ve set fire to a Yule Log and stopped the “I didn’t, he dids!”
Pencils out, paper ready, we sit down by the fire
For the kids and I and the catalogs with Santa to conspire.
(dainty sip of eggnog)
Their lists are long
But mine is longer
Their eggnog’s sweet
But mine is stronger.
(sips again)
Dear Santa, you and I have had
A long and close relation,
So if you go out shoppin’ for me,
Follow instructions without variation.
(another sip of eggnog)
One: no blended yarns from livestock that feel suspiciously like cat
Two: no flimsy silk-ish tops that need camis, ‘cause they make me itch.
Three: no mini skirts, no leather shorts (the public will thank you for that).
Four: no falling hems, no slipping cuffs, even just by a stitch
(mmm eggnog)
No splitting seams, no fraying edges, no plastic threads --
And please oh please not one thing that sheds!
Oh, festive spirits, joyful smiles,
No, the kids are laughing at the website styles
(shlllurrps eggnog)
Santa, dear, when I’m dressed up in finest holiday fettle
Don’t spoil my ensemble with mystery metal
(pours more eggnog)
Gosh, this was going to be such a sweet little list
And look at me now, I am totally p----d.
(chugs eggnog)
And NO you may NOT taste my eggnog.
Give me back that iPad, you little wretch, or I will tie a knot in the top of your stocking
And what I will tell Santa about you and your brothers will be totally shocking. (urrpppp)
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