the whining diner and wellfedfred: the trench coats are here

I realized in mid-July, when word spread that Inès' designs would be "affordable" -whatever that means these days - and at Uniqlo, that if I could get myself 6 inches taller I would not need to lose weight. Visions of a taller, stretched-out Me strode through cobblestone streets like editorial photos... Actually the last time I strode, well, hurried, on cobblestones was in London a few years ago and I was hurrying through Covent Garden on the way to the theatre and the stones were glistening beautifully in the light rain, and because the damn stones were wet and slippery I stumbled and landed heavily on one knee...

Inès is often photographed with fluffy hair and lightweight immaculate but well-worn-in Burberry pushed back by a gentle breeze, or more likely by a well-directed fan in the hand of a hopeful intern.

(pause here while I decide not to complain about how there are all these unworthy people in the heartless and cruel world whose hair behaves and then there is Me)

The lightweight trench might just be possible. At one time I thought that the buttoned-on epaulets of a real trenchcoat were dashing, then I learned that everything on a trenchcoat is there for a purpose and the epaulets are where you put your gloves when you remove them to take aim at some desperate Colonial, having first adjusted your gun flap...

So, anyway, light-weight with the potential to move gently - well, to flap - in breezes, and long enough to be recognized as a coat not a jacket, and did anyone ever wonder whether Inès really is that slender or is the motion of the coat and hair creating an optical illusion? And would that work for me?

Worth trying, although not at Burberry level.

I found this one:

note absence of epaulets
note presence of "wind guard"

skirt is fully cut but does not "balloon"
hence good flapping potential

It was said to be back-ordered until mid-August. It was also on promo, and we pause for a moment to wonder what kind of merchant puts something on promotion when he doesn't even know if he'll be able to deliver it?

I ordered the thing, knowing full well that it was not going to be useful as a raincoat, or be warm, or maybe even be wearable. It did look like it would be good at flapping in breezes, and therefore potentially evocative of long and lean.

Ten minutes later, I became concerned about flapping potential and ordered it again, a size larger.

The rest of the summer passed without incident, except that the back-order date became more and more prolonged. I decided that if it (or they) arrived after the flapping season, I'd return both and reconsider diet and Pilates for the long and lean business. Fortunately both coats arrived this week.

Result: the larger size is definitely over-flappy. I liked the length. The sleeves were absurdly too long, no sensible way to fix them. The smaller size fits! The "military green" color is not quite the green of the US military, and not any green related to Paris or cobblestones... dyes were no doubt mixed by an inept foreign intelligence agency, which thought inspired me to check the buttons for tiny transmitters. They seem OK, plastic, not overly heavy for their size and thickness.

So both coats are hanging in the "probation area" of the closet. I need to try them on in a few different lights to be sure about the color and the way the back hangs.

Meanwhile, I also ordered a few of the Inès items from the Uniqlo site. I can't go to their Fifth Avenue store, because I become dazed and helpless what with the dramatic multi-levels, creatively deployed escalators, shiny surfaces....