one reason I've avoided looking at the fashion scene lately...

Bad weather, strained tendon/sore ankle, and general fogginess combined to make me think that internet shopping was the best way to deal with presents for Christmas 2014. I didn't realize that the Great Christmas Shopping Disaster of Doom had happened until I belatedly checked my shipping notices to make sure things were arriving on time.

Sure, I got a phone call from the internet retailer with which I'd placed orders for many  most of the presents, taking grand advantage of a 30% + 10% + free shipping no minimum event that happened on a day when I was skiving off work and chores keeping the ankle iced and elevated. I even sent trinkets and stocking stuffers to little kids I'd already gifted.

Anyway, this charming person was calling to alert me that one (JUST ONE!) of my gifts might not arrive before Christmas. The company would honor its promise to get all orders placed by some date or other, delivered by Christmas, and would therefore overnight a replacement, at no charge to me.

I smelled trouble. Yes, I did. I told her not to bother. This was not a gift that the little 8-year-old recipient had requested, it was a last-minute impulse, and here was fate telling me that she wouldn't like it anyway. Cancel it, or let her mother hide it for next year.


The caller insisted.

I begged her to refrain.

She insisted.

I asked about all the Other Stuff I'd ordered the same day (which by the end of that day had also included some pretty good grabs for me). The carriers had reported no problems, she told me, so I didn't need to worry about the Other Stuff.

I yielded.

Early on Christmas Eve (not a creature was stirring except Ms. Kinnaus - rest of verse to be saved for another occasion), I hobbled over to the computer and checked the shipping confirmations. Every single item ordered after the tiny trinket was on its way across the country to the soon-to-be puzzled 8-year-old. This is kind of like the time a just-engaged cousin (age 45) opened the wrong package - hand-knit knee warmers for dear arthritic Nana! - and held a grudge forever after. We won't go there.

As best I could tell, when the helpful V. Personal Shopper  Stylist  Dingbat shipped out the little trinket, she left the lucky kid's address as the default shipping address. In my medicated bleariness I hadn't noticed when I'd first glanced at the shipping confirms (many orders, many more packages...).

A few phone calls later, I learned:
               >  if a package is going ordinary UPS, it may be possible to intercept and redirect it.
               >  however, only the actual shipper can "initiate a redirect," not the shipper's customer.
               >   if a package is passing through a Post Office, interception will not be possible.
               >   it is counter-productive to let terms like "search and destroy" pass one's lips.

I spoke with the 8-year-old's grandma, who was visiting them for Christmas. When she stopped laughing, she agreed that she would open all packages from the Retail Merchant of Despair, slip the little trinket into the kid's stocking, and email me a list of the rest of the loot. I in turn suggested that she keep anything she could use, pass on the camis, pajamas, clutches, etc., to other female relatives as they showed up on Christmas, and we'd call it An Experience. She just laughed some more. I warned her that even though there had been only a handful of orders, we had to allow for the possibility that there could be an infinite number of packages, given that many orders come from random stores. She continued laughing. A few delivery hours remained, thanks to the East/West time difference.

The RMOD emailed me free return labels, which I forwarded to Helpful Grandma. Another helpful person called to reassure me that interception/redirect orders had been placed. People were astoundingly sympathetic to the cause of Not Letting the Rest of the Family Know How Much Fred Can Spend If She Tries, although I must point out that there's a big difference between Sympathetic and Effective.

As it turned out, NOTHING HAD ARRIVED ANYWHERE IN TIME FOR CHRISTMAS INCLUDING BOTH THE ORIGINAL AND THE REPLACEMENT TRINKETS THAT WERE THE CAUSE OF ALL THIS UPROAR.

Twelfth Night came. Twelfth Night went. Helpful Grandma went home. January dreared on. The RMOD's first two attempts at intercepting merch in the hands of UPS had no discernible effect, other than that UPS had been notified and some of the merch had stopped moving. Apparently the "redirect" part of the task had caused confusion. A few more calls got a few things moving again.

I'd ordered a few goofy things for myself - out of curiosity - free shipping, no final sale, and all that. The Goofy Things were untraceable. By early February it was clear that they would remain so. More phone calls. I negotiated refunds, promising faithfully that if the stuff ever showed up, I'd alert them.

And last week came a call from a Pacific Coast relative, to let me know that a hand-addressed envelope from the RMOD had arrived - personally addressed to me but at their address. Feeling I'd earned a gift card, I asked him to open and read the missive. No gift card.

It was a sweet little note from the first VP Dingbat, thanking me for letting her assist me with my Christmas shopping.

recent acquisitions, recent returns

Rampant materialism, did I hear someone mumble? You may have a point, Ms Mumbles, but I prefer to think of posts like this as Public Service Announcements.

Staying:
the Everlane sleeveless silk shirt in the Clay color:

great color, great fabric, great fit, love the collar, buttons, etc, etc. All things considered, the price is not terrible. And astoundingly, it fits just like in the picture.

Well, I find myself saying that about Everlane merch quite often. For example, the Everlane Swing Trench:

I consider this a jacket, not a coat. That said, I'm loving it. The sleeves are a touch narrow, I've noticed this on Everlane's long-sleeved silk blouses as well, but I can get in and out of it with no trouble, so no complaint. Sturdy fabric, and when on, it hangs nicely. I was afraid it would look like an old-fashioned maternity top, you know, those loose smocks that preceded tight t-shirts as appropriate pregnancy wear? But no, it's just a jacket, not quite as straight as a pea jacket. Loving the collar and the shoulder detail. All things considered, the price is -- not terrible. I'm keeping it. Note that it's a cool-fall-day jacket, not a windy-winter-day jacket. Just so you know.

Madewell. The denim work shirt. So far I've only gotten my hands on one of the shirts I wanted to try, the one in the "slate roof" color, which is grey. It's not really denim, either, a bit lighter and more flexible, which is a plus for a shirt. Decent detailing, the 30% off promo applied. The fit is kind of floppy, like I wouldn't be comfortable in a smaller size, but it's a cute throw-on. The side slits are too high, tank required. When the white one arrives, however, it's going back. 

I'm not a screaming fan of Madewell,  I find that the dresses and skirts are generally unfriendly, and I've had a few off-putting experiences in the Fifth Avenue store. Like the time I brought in a pair of shoes to return (web order), and was told that I couldn't return them in store because Madewell doesn't carry shoes. "Um, what are those things over there?"

    "That's a display. We don't sell them."

Well, glad we straightened that out. 

Oh, you want to know how this ended? Well, I went down the street for a sulky stroll through Anthropologie, came back to Madewell, returned the shoes with a different staffer, no problem.

Anyway, periodically I do find shoes I like at Madewell and I grab them, often in 2 or even 3 colors. This is not my year to buy Madewell shoes. But I can wait.

J.Crew. I'm hanging on to the Black Paisley Shirt, having decided that it will work very well with some pencil skirts that are dying to get more friendly with it, as well as with the Collection black leather pencil skirt from last winter or the winter before. I'd love to find tailored black silk pants to wear with it, full-length pants with a mid-rise or even high rise are essential, because the silk on the blouse is so rich that

skimpy skinny capri or ankle pants would just look like I bought the blouse and then ran out of money. Well, I just about did, but whose business is that?

Update: I saw several different versions of the Noir Floral Shirt in London a few weeks ago, and decided that J.Crew's is the nicest print. When it resurfaces in my size, I will have it. This print appeared in pants and a coat too, the coat struck me as something one would wear once, and the pants - well, as I said, I like it on the blouse, but on the pants the print just looks creepy.

Update: I pounced! Love it with the black leather skirt. Found black silk pants at the Saks sale (online, the live sale in the store is not for me). V. tailored, from GO by GoSilk, great fabric (thick and matte 100% silk). I was amazed that there were any left to go on sale, but then I realized that there's so much junky nightgown-variety silk around, many people may have forgotten what silk can really look like.

I love me a good newsboy cap, but as I've already admitted, I seem to have gained weight around the circumference of my head. Dear Lord, how many more places can there be left where You can inflict additional weight upon me? Anyway, as to the newsboy cap, I thought I'd found a contender when I spied this one in the Men's section, Harris tweed with label no less:and I was delighted to see that I could get it in Large/Extra Large. Alas, it wasn't Fathead Week, the hat was too tight. Not keeping. Except that, given J.Crew's inconsistent sizing, I'll try on other L/XLs if I pass a store with Men's merch. The fabric is much prettier IRL than in the website picture.

J.Crew again, the funnel-neck sweatshirt. I'm being daring here, because I don't like poly blends, but I see this as easy-on easy-off for air travel. Good price on the promo, I got it in black. Probably not keeping - the funnel hits just at the bottom of my chin when turned up - the shirt not the chin - and the zipper teeth at that point could be a problem. 

Update: yes, it went back.

Shoes. I have two pairs of silver or silver-ish oxfords coming from 6pm.com. At least one will go back. Update: one went back, fit issues, sad but ok. The other - well, I took another look this morning while waiting for my head to clear, and oh, dear, they are gold. They will leave town by tonight.

Winter vests. I've made the delightful discovery that a kids' size 14 or 16 will sometimes fit me. On top. In my closet awaiting winter are a Sherpa-lined quilted vest from last winter, and a creamy white Sherpa-on-the-outside vest with gray quilting on the inside from this year. Recommend trying, they fit me and I wear a size 10 J.Crew perfect shirt. I also have a couple of size 14 tees waiting for next summer. Meanwhile, I'm pondering: as much as I love the Sherpa-on-the-outside baby, where would I wear it? It wouldn't be creamy white for long in the city, and it's a little too too cute (read: inauthentic) for the beach in winter. It's reminding me of Ralph Lauren's mistaken but mercifully brief flirtation with velveteen skiwear...

Update: I replaced the new Sherpa vest with the Sherpa popover, also a Crewcuts marvel. Now this is warm and cozy. I will try not to bump into things when I wear it.

J.Crew Kelsey dress. I thought this dress would benefit from having the poofy shoulders brought down to reality, and I was right. The money I saved on the promo took care of the tailor, who is expensive, but Does What He Is Told To Do. The shoulder puff is gone. Otherwise, the dress is smooth wool, not fuzzy or scratchy, nicely made, not much room if one wants to be really fashion-forward and let the hem down, but that's not really a factor this season. If the dress is still around next winter, remind me to check how a false hem would work.

Accessorizing with goosebumps - a trend that has run its course. Would this be a good place to say that while I resent spending serious money on tights F/K/A pantyhose, I have taken a real dislike to the look of bare legs with wool or wool-like skirts and dresses? And coupled with the reappearance of micro-mini skirts, it's an unfortunate confluence of trends that I wish would go away. So I'll buy the tights, big deal. I always liked the look of tights that are the same color as the skirt - like, say, gray or wine; not so much with a dress. With the Kelsey dress, for example, adding green tights would create the impression that a very large stalk of broccoli had stopped by. Black works much better.

J.Crew Donegal tweed stovepipe pants. Suitable for wear in the Great Frozen North. This fabric is gorgeous, gorgeous, it's a true Donegal weave with flecks of this color and that color, and I just fell inn love with the pants. Sadly, the fabric is also extremely thick and heavy. Since the tweed is a blend and the lining is poly, the pants are hot and don't breathe. Otherwise, nicely tailored, but the heat factor made them a no for me. A larger size didn't work either. The off-cuts from the bolts of pants material have been used to make a top and a skirt in conjunction with other fabric. I wasn't impressed. I would have loved an entire skirt, perhaps what is sometimes called a riding skirt, out of that tweed. Sigh.

Meanwhile, I'm still on the lookout for:
Black satin oxfords with 1 ½ inch or 2 inch heel, almond or pointy toe.
Heavy real flannel pj's in silly retro print to wear for sleeping

comfortable but effective bra

and of course

world peace.

the haul and the haul back

I haven't yet discussed our planned visit to London and Paris, because your intrepid correspondent and spouse will be accompanied by two rather young family members, and most of our computer time these past few weeks has been consumed by searches for things that they, rather than we, will enjoy. Example: climbing around an old castle is more fun than learning about Napoleon's triumphs. Including for us, because first we'd have to explain who Napoleon was. So, plan for summer: (1) organize trip; (2) take trip; (3) recuperate from trip and then - oh, look, October.

Age-appropriate activities and visits having finally been organized, I realized that in the heat of the summer, eating on the fly and picnicking, the old reliable travel togs were completely unsuitable. I have done what any red-blooded American girl would do: I have shopped. And I have returned.

Keepers:

probably this long skirt, but shortened to what used to be called midi length, except since midi now seems to mean "probably not a mini," I'll use one of the names that were in use before midi: ballet length or tea length.

this tank, which goes nicely with most of what will no doubt make the final suitcase cut.

this skirt - probably a keeper if it ever arrives, thank you, UPS Mail Innovations. Another pet peeve, why pay UPS to haul merch to the post office and mail it? Anyway, I caught a nice promotion and the print appealed. Plus, my brown silk tank with black piping is a sure thing here. I must have been having visions when I grabbed it last year.

these linen pants, in navy and in beige.

this cardigan, to award off over-enthusiastic airconditioning, and oh, look, does anyone remember this tee?









I thought a white jacket would go with most things, and my white jean jacket is getting a little tired. I tried a couple of linen blazers, but they seemed too dressy. This single-breasted cotton jacket - on sale at ralphlauren.com, on more of a sale at bloomingdales.com, with pockets works for me, and isn't something I'll want to toss at the end of the trip.

these sneakers:

discussion not required, they even look comfortable.

these pants, worn with navy silk tee or navy tank. They weigh nothing, nothing, I tell you, so ordinarily I wouldn't consider them for wearing at home or Out East, but for hot, hot days in a large crowded city, they'll work. And I got a great price. Navy tank, navy silk tee. Chie Mihara sandals that tone in with the coral design on the pants, how did that happen? I've had those shoes for 4 years.

Going - or gone - back:
       these skirts:

the green/blue floral is a great print, I love the length and the fullness, but sadly the material is so stiff that instead of draping forgivingly over my rear view, it juts right out and stays out. I tried on the poplin pleated skirt in navy, and the pleats behaved badly.

this purse:I wanted the small, and stalked it, and honestly I never thought I'd say this, but it has no capacity whatsoever. This is a disappointment, because the large version is large enough to hold whatever Himself doesn't feel like carrying, and I prefer to avoid the issue ...

this dress from the Gap - it's rayon, it has no straps, it creates lumps and bumps where I know I don't have any - I can't believe it's the dress I ordered, but life is too short to argue, it's going back.

this sweater, which was described as a drapey cashmere boatneck sweater. I didn't realize that the "drapey" part was most of the sweater, in fact every area but the neckline. I would have used the word "floppy" or "suitable for the female relatives of SpongeBob" because it's square. People might have been better informed.

I thought this silk tee would be nice, but it too suffers from squareness. It went back. However, I should note that it looks very pink on the web, but is a deep rich red in real life. At least the one that briefly visited me was.

An enthusiastic (fanatic?) statistician has tabulated and analyzed retail price patterns, and has computed how many days of the month J.Crew has a reduction, promotion, additional % off, and so on. I'm considering inviting that statistician to my Inbox which daily offers me great buys and once-in-a-lifetime reductions on everything from arch supports to hats to electronics, media, and clothing at all price ranges. I wonder if this can mean that consumers, on a large scale, are rejecting merchandise with inflated prices. If so, I can only say ¡Viva la revolución!

If I feel ambitious I'll discuss the study in greater detail in a future post. Essentially the study concludes that even if you don't want to be a "sale shopper," there are fewer and fewer days in the month when that's possible.

a quest achieved - and miles to go before I sleep

I'm happy to announce that after a search that has lasted years, and led to many disappointments,  the Little Black Dress of my dreams has been reduced to possession.

Or, in other words, WOO HOO!

I had a lot of requirements, a lot.

The dress had to be multi-seasonal, this means made of some kind of silk.

It had to be able to go to restaurants but also to look nice if I happened to be standing up.

It needed to survive being in a suitcase, without looking exhausted or needing to be professionally steamed

It had to have a neckline that would show off my neck and would work with jewelry, but would not attract unwanted attention...

Naturally, sleeves that ended somewhere along the ulna, sufficiently above the wrist so as not to swoop through plates of food or get caught on bracelets.

and I wanted it to be fitted but not tight

and to end just below the kneecap (honestly very few people have cute kneecaps, I know I don't).

I came across a number of candidates, but rejected them for not meeting one or more of the above criteria. Those that came close were revisited - generally these were the more expensive, and the purpose of looking again from time to time was to see if I could catch a promotion or a markdown. In today's retail climate, this is a prudent way to shop. My feeling is, if it's meant to be, my size will wait for me. Otherwise, well, I'll still have my money.

Late one night, I realized I hadn't visited The Outnet in a while. So - click, click.

Et voilà!

ALL OF THE ABOVE!

First off, the dress is made of a substantial silk jersey. Oh, joy - I had held on to the belief that somewhere there was still silk jersey on the market, but I did want to have enough money left over to be able to eat. And to buy shoes.

The picture is from the vendor's site, I hope you can see the clever arrangement of pleats and folds across the front.

The silk jersey fabric is a little stretchy, hence there will be room to sit down without leaving horizontal stress marks across the bottom. And since most fit models are a few inches taller than I, I'm thrilled with the skirt length.

The designer/manufacturer is Issa. I intend to look for more of their stuff.

All in, the price was not terrible. I'll live to shop again - I have my eye on a Ralph Lauren single-breasted leather jacket with band collar.

I haven't done a lot of buying and keeping this "Spring" - glad I was ready to pounce when my dress turned up.

Nevertheless, I'll try it on a few times more during its closet probation period. You know how it is.

Saving the world, one markdown at a time...

Chuckle, chuckle, it's all in the game

And so we leave the secretive back-stabbing world of Oscar nominations and Oscar party invitations, and return to the world of retailing and e-tailing. Plus ça change, right?

There is some speculation as to whether or not the US apparel company, J.Crew, is for sale. People who might be expected to know, well, something about this are blushing modestly and hanging their heads, but not talking.

Here's a snippet from yesterday's Bloomberg news:

• Fast Retailing may consider $5 billion a fair price for J. Crew, whose merchandise, real estate and e-commerce expertise will help the Japanese company achieve its U.S. expansion goals, Zox said.

OK, the emphasis is mine, and the delightfully named Zox is held out as an expert on what makes an apparel company desirable, although judging by my experiences, he is not a frequent shopper.

Speaking of e-tailing expertise, here is a link to a heated discussion of the inadequacies of the J.Crew retail website, published this past week on J.Crew Aficionada, where "all aspects of J.Crew" are regularly discussed, often at an undeservedly polite and elevated level.

And here is an invitation from some nice ladies at J.Crew itself that I found in my inbox a few days ago:

We’d like to invite you to help us improve our online shopping experience! Come speak with one of our online user experience experts in a 60-minute one-on-one meeting—we’ll compensate you for your time with a $100 J.Crew gift card.

Here’s what you can expect:
● Duration: 60 Minutes
● Location: Manhattan. Exact location will be provided once your appointment is confirmed. Participants are responsible for their own transportation. Participant will be required to sign a consent form upon arrival.
● Compensation: This meeting is completely voluntary, and you may opt out at any time. Upon successful completion, we’ll compensate you for your time with a $100 J.Crew gift card (subject to the terms and conditions on the gift card).
If you’re interested in participating, please respond to this email with your availability for the following dates and times. We’ll get back to you soon to confirm your 60-minute appointment and provide you with meeting details.

 And here is last night's message from another department within the J.Crew structure:

Please know that the item that will not be mine was referred to WWFU at the behest of a JCrew staffer. I would never do this independently, since I believe it is a sure way to make sure you'll never see your merch. This belief is rooted in experience. WWFU promptly advised me that the item is sold out.

Naturally I growled, having prowled the website in good faith, found my item, placed an order... At least on sites like Gilt and RueLaLa, they tell you up front that they keep very limited stock of everything, so that if you do succeed in capturing something, you feel that you have won a (very limited) lottery. As opposed to feeling relief.

As you might expect, I was not selected to discuss the J.Crew website.

It did occur to me while I was trying to browse the J.Crew website sale section that Zox may be the nom de web of a gamer or game designer, and that his knowledge of J.Crew may stem from his work on their recent website improvements. Who but a gamer would be able to surprise the hapless shopper with so many unlooked-for obstacles and levels of frustration? I ask you.

Heading for the west coast tonight, hoping for warmer weather and wishing you the same.

first you shop, then you return, then you re-shop, then you re-return

I'm in Christmas shopping recovery this week, and I'm hoping that the to-do list du jour will soon cease to feature the words "return," "take back," "send back," and the like.
I put an end to one on-going excuse for neurotic hand-wringing today, I sent back the 2 Everlane silk blouses (gray, navy) in size Small. Everlane does not pay the postage on returns, even though I was technically exchanging the Smalls for the Mediums (which so far I'm keeping, more on that in a minute.) So I packed the Smalls up and printed out a Priority Mail Flat Rate label, insured the blouses for another $3, and handed the completed package to our long-suffering postman. That's that. You can see a discussion of the blouses in this post.
Anyway, definitely keeping the navy blouse, but the gray has unidentifiable undertones that don't tone in with any of the other gray things that I already have - gray tweed pencil skirt, gray slacks, other gray slacks, darker gray slacks, other gray pencil skirt, longer gray a-line skirt -- you can see why I don't want to buy this blouse another gray bottom. Nor does it work all that well with the one thing I thought was made for it -- the black/cream (read gray) herringbone hacking jacket, which was a new purchase this season also. The fabric of the blouse is too thin and floppy to look good with the heavy and very very slightly hairy fabric of the jacket. A pity, because the jacket fits perfectly. But the jacket doesn't go with any of my grays either! Annoying, because many of them are from the same merchant - guessing they were manufactured in various different provinces of Our Great Creditor To The East. I don't like the jacket with the peculiar green double-serge pencil skirt, the jacket's fabric is too itchy to wear without some kind of collar or turtleneck at the neck which leaves out all my cashmere tees and shells... I really have enough jackets that I can wear with chambray shirt & chinos, or jeans and white shirt. And that seems to be the extent of the socialization of which this jacket is capable. I'll be returning it. With a sigh.

Which brings me to another moan.

"This will work until someone
invents a really great white
shirt!"

If you've been with us for a while, you might recall that I regularly become  annoyed when still another hopeful publisher blesses the style-seekers with still another instruction manual on how to look like A Parisienne. A Parisienne, I might say, who lives within a very small defined area of Paris and works, if at all, in one of only a few very small defined areas of endeavor. A Parisienne, I might say, who isn't easy to fool. But you buy this latest book anyway, and what does it tell you to do? Buy a white shirt! Buy a white tee! Buy a black tee! These can be worn with jeans! It's enough to make me want to crawl back into my cave and hibernate until a new generation of Intergalactic Explorers tempts me out with goose liver. Doesn't everyone have these items? Yes, you want to try several manufacturers, several fabrics, etc., etc., but please. Enough.

White shirts, of course, have to be replaced from time to time, and so in one of the last great pre-Christmas sales, I ordered two of the same white shirt from J.Crew. They are going back. The fabric has no body. The collar flops. The front band is a wrinkle magnet.
Imagine my surprise - no, can't say I was surprised. In a recent Message from Beyond the Black Hole that Terrifies Venusians, our favorite Intergalactic Stylist showed a Look We (well, she) Love. I like the look, too, I just don't see how you get it with the merchandise she claims she used.

 OK, around here "crisp" means, when applies to items of clothing, "holds a press" or "holds its shape." The white shirt that the Look (above) links us to is this one:

This is the shirt I sent back because the last word anyone with fingers would use to describe it is "crisp." And although I would never admit this to anyone of the male persuasion, I am a pretty good ironer. Of women's clothing, all those seams and reinforcements and detailing of men's clothing defeats me. And I am also familiar with starch, now known as spray-on finish. It's about $6 a can around here, and you'd need half a can per wear. Nuh-uh.

There's this ongoing thing with my sister and a velvet jacket that I sent her in early November, the idea being that she'd have it in time to enjoy for Christmas parties. She doesn't live far from me at all, I sent it so I wouldn't have to discuss the pricetag with her. I was a little extravagant because she's celebrating another milestone at WeightWatchers, which is a very celebratory group of people, bless their skinny little hearts. Perhaps we celebrated a little early, because the size she admitted to was too small. It went back, and a larger size that fit "just OK" arrived. She thought it was a different jacket. Why? Because the other one had a tighter waist. This one just looks different, she told me. I could have said maybe that's because it fits, but I am a Good Sister. "Look," quoth I, "why don't you take the store credit and we'll hit the sales together after Christmas?" So that's where we are now. You probably have relatives of your own, most of you, so I'll spare you the updates.

Meanwhile, January and February cruise wear approaches,
and so, too, does the Copywriter From Space. That bathing suit doesn't look risk-free to me. Unless you like to wear adhesive tape to the beach.

Update:  My friend Yippee insists that the shirt in this picture is the Platonic ideal of a white shirt.

It's a great picture. I still don't get what you wear with it besides narrow pants. Oh, well.

the search for intelligent life in the universe continues

This train of thought chugged into the station when I read of Gore Vidal's death. If I had but one wish for my country, it would be for more effective education for more people, even if we have to feed them and take care of their health so they can pay attention when little and remember stuff they learned as they grow older. Clearly, the country needs me to have more than one wish. Oh, well. Gore's intellect was one of a kind, and even if you found him disagreeable, it was rare not to find him delightful. Here's a YouTube of Gore in a cherished moment.

It's been said that Gore was one of the models for the President Josiah Bartlet, probably for Bartlet's sense of intellectual isolation and his scalpel-brain. I don't doubt it. Jed Bartlet was the best President I never voted for, and I was sad and furious when the reality of term limits ended The West Wing. I didn't watch the show to see the soap-opera lives of the staff, nor the rise to greatness of the Press Secretary (yes, she worked hard and had a real brain, but since one of the show's writers was a former Press Secretary, wasn't her apotheosis inevitable?) - I watched to see how President Bartlet would steer us on a righteous course, all the while speaking actual English.

Here's another favorite moment: President Bartlet was watching a television show that might have been Jerry Springer, and the panelists, having broadcast the secrets of their sad and tacky sex lives, began to fight with one another. POTUS' horrified reaction: these people don't vote, do they? I can't get the embed code to work, but I think you can watch this scene here.

I would never deny anyone his or her right to vote. But every so often, I run into someone who - well, as Himself would say, whether or not that #%*+%#  votes is not a real-world problem. To vote, first you have to find the polling place. 

So, I'm wondering whether this guy will get out the door on Election Day:

 Scene: gate xxx, JFK. A gate attendant grabs a handful of tags and starts to prowl among the waiting passengers, occasionally snapping a tag on a carry-on. He stops in front of me and tags mine.

Me:  Hey, what's that?

GA:  This bag has to be gate-checked.

Me:  But, but it's smaller than a legal pad! (8½ x 14 inches)

GA: the size doesn't matter (oh, I bet he says that a lot). The plane is very full and very heavy.

Me: But the bag has stuff I need for the flight. It fits fine under a seat or in the overhead, I fly with it all the time.

GA. Sorry, the plane is overweight, and the flight was oversold. This bag can't go in the cabin. It will be checked with the rest of the checked baggage in the baggage compartment, and returned to you when you deplane. We need to lighten the cabin. The bag will be on the same plane with you, don't worry.

He pats the tag again and continues through the lounge.
I circle in the other direction, stand between the desk and the bag, remove tag, remove jacket, take sweater out of bag, insert jacket, put on sweater and scarf, wait until my "group" is called, board plane with bag. No one even looks at me.

I know lots of new elements have been discovered since I was in 9th grade, but did I miss the reinvention of Gravity? 

Or this lady:

Scene: our favorite retailer. Sister and I are shopping on a blistering summer night. 

Me: so her interviews are at a facility in Arizona, where it's even hotter than here, and she needs a professional-looking, very tailored jacket and skirt, lightweight fabric, with a very simple solid-color blouse.


SA:  You won't go wrong with our gaBOR-dee-oon separates. 

Sister: These things are heavy. They're wool.

SA: Yes, it's a wonderful all-three-season fabric. Our gaBOR-dee-oon is famous for holding its shape.

Me: These things are heavy. They're wool.

SA:  Our gaBOR-dee-oon is an all-three-season fabric. We sell it for year-round wear.

Sister: July in Arizona is the fourth season. (to me) Uh-oh, we need to leave now.

Me:  What kind of fabric is it again?

Sister: come on, Loehmann's will be closing.

Me:  I just want to hear her say it again.

SA (oblivious to sisterly tension, as well as to everything else) It's gaBOR-dee-oon from a famous Italian fabric mill of which I can't tell you the name of.

Me: but we're sure it's famous, right? and in Italy? Even though it's a secret? 

Sister: I hate you.

 A last vignette, from the elevator in Flintstone Towers, me and a neighbor:
Me: The gentleman from (apartment number) told me he was on QVC last night and sold out. I'm sorry I missed him.

Neighbor: He doesn't need the money. He's in the Mafia.
Me: But he's Jewish.
Neighbor: Trust me, he's in the Mafia.
Me:  But he said he had to go on the show in the middle of the night because the only other dates they offered him were on High Holy Days.
Neighbor: He's in the Mafia.
Me: Are you sure? I've seen the whole family walking to services. If they're anything, they're Orthodox. I've been to a Sabbath dinner on their apartment.
Neighbor:  The whole family's in the Mafia. It's a family business.
Me: I'm confused, why would a whole family of Sicilian gangsters pretend to be Jewish?
Neighbor: How should I know? Probably the golf.
OK, this one I'm copyrighting. All rights reserved.

shopping downtown, chapter 1: Soho (including exercise and a little food)

After some thought, I didn't put together a long list of cute eccentric little stores, for the very good reason that in today's peculiar economy, stores are closing and opening like shutters in a hurricane, and the Soho area is no exception. Last week I needed a perk-up, and the place I was looking for simply wasn't there. Something else was, but ... So anyway, here are some well known starting points for your expedition, and some suggestions for walking around.

Guess what? There is a J.Crew in Soho, and we can start shopping in earnest after Getting There. You do not want to drive. Repeat, you do not want to drive. If your car is already in the city, leave it midtown or uptown. Take the subway, either the 4 or the 6 to Spring Street or the N, R, or W to Prince Street. This is the exercise part: climbing the stairs down and up from and to the street. The city has kindly provided little street maps in the subway stations to help you get oriented, along with some directional signs. So at Prince Street, head for the northwest corner, and walk west on Prince Street a block or two. If you've come via the Spring Street station, walk west a block or two to Broadway, turn right on Crosby Street, go north one block to Prince Street, and head west. Please bear in mind that although many people view their shopping expeditions as spiritual pilgrimages, this store is clean but unimpressive from outside. Inside: nice shoe/accessory area, usual JC merch on the ground floor, and the sale section and Crewcuts and its sale section are downstairs. See? more stairs, you lucky girl! The salespeople are just delightful here, including the ones in the Crewcuts area, which I'm told is unusual.



There's also an Anthropologie store on West Broadway, which is west of Broadway. Exit J.Crew, pass the Apple store, cross Greene Street, cross Wooster Street, and you'll come to West Broadway, where you turn left. You're heading downtown, and Anthro is towards the end of the block. In the other direction, Madewell is at 486 Broadway, at Broome Street. This is where I should mention the aerobic part of the exercise program, where you gallop briskly between destinations and fling your arms in the air as you try on and remove outfits.

If you were to draw kind of an irregular pentagon, with the Spring Street subway stop at one point and the Anthro store at another, you would realize that you are in a very enjoyable playground for shoppers. Stay around here long enough and your shopping bags will serve as free weights. Behind just about every doorway is a store worth checking out. There's a jeweler called Reinstein/Ross on Prince Street which will make you rethink your standards for ornamentation (no mystery metal here!), there are shoe stores of every variety (have a look at Robert Clergerie), and there are places to have lunch. C.Wonder, the emporium of Tory Burch's husband Chris, is at 72 Spring Street, close to the subway, probably worth a look. Also fun: Zadig & Voltaire, at 143 Mercer Street. So stroll around, feast your eyes on original creations, and as long as you remember where the subway stations are, you can't get lost. I haven't been more specific about shops because (see above), but you'll find plenty. Use your map-reading skills to stroll to the J.Crew Men's locations, because the men's hats and some of the scarves should be tried on.

Assuming you're not up for a fancy lunch with waiters dressed like a stage crew, here are some suggestions for nearby quick bites where you won't waste precious shopping time.

Hampton Chutney, at 68 Prince Street, just east of Broadway, has dosas. A dosa is an Indian crepe, they have 9 or 10 different fillings, some vegan, some not. You eat standing up or perched, the food is well seasoned but not hotly or oddly spiced. Inexpensive (because the money is for the shopping, right?)

You could go to Balthazar, on Spring Street, between the subway exit and Broadway. It's crowded at mealtimes, fine at other hours, like if you want to sit down for a glass of wine and a plate or two around 5:30. Or for an earlier break, try for lunch on the early side. I've never been seated at the time of my reservation, so I just walk in and take my chances. Me, I avoid the bar, each time I've agreed to wait there someone has spilled wine on me. Food's nice, I would not call this inexpensive.

Dean & DeLuca is a fancy food store on the southeast corner of Broadway and Prince. They also sell sandwiches and beverages right where you walk in, to be eaten at a small counter. But take a minute or two first to admire the beautiful veggies and flowers, the fancy cakes and breads, the fine meat counter.




There's a good burger at the Broome Street Bar, and good beers, if you're shopping with a guy. Also perfectly fine for a couple of women to go in, sit down, have lunch, rest feet. Child-friendly.

And this is Soho, even though of recent years it's more a shopping precinct than an arts district, don't forget the people-watching!

Hint: if shopping with child, have child hold a compass and tell you whether you're going south (downtown), north (uptown), east, west...  Not advised if child has wicked sense of humor... Alternatively, deposit husband and child in Apple store, note where it is or take a picture, and pick them up later.

Fred shops with visiting Brit: stiff upper lip at the malls. Yes, malls.

Off & running early with cousin-in-law A, who can shop for England. And has done, says she. Stores open at 8 or 9, frost or snow on parking lots, feeling seasonal. A's youngest 2 or 3 or 4 (they move fast) came along in case there was candy. By 7:30 AM, all on a sugar high, including self.

Would not let A buy elderly rose tees at nearby Crewlet, suggested driving a bit longer, pulled out map THAT I JUST HAPPENED TO HAVE, showing another Crewlet on way to four (4!) malls with J.Crew stores, which just happen to be in a straight line til no. 3, then south to no. 4, where we can finish the day at my sister's, who will feed kids a healthy dinner if it kills them. A's idea: head for sis first, drop kids, hit the JCs in reverse order, by the time we're done, sis will have had enough of little angels and will have driven them back to mine herself. A is from culture where kids go to boarding school at age 5. Obviously so moms can shop. There'll always be an England.

Embellished boy shirt (still around? why?) not a success, embellishment too heavy for thin fabric so that side of opening falls down, hiding embellishment. Thick-ish blue green pencil skirt, didn't like any tops but loved skirt, bought, will stalk blog for styling ideas. A morbidly fascinated by ruffled silk camis wasting away on clearance racks. Thin but nice choice of cute Crewcut tees. A says duffle coat wanna-be is not fashion. Belts: skinny, shiny, might serve as leashes for a Crewdle. A thrilled by “historical” teeny miniskirts (her mum saved one from a Beatles event) – but not to wear.

Malls populated but bearable. For parking, I wore Deranged Lady Who Does Not Drive Well Look (with hat) when crowded by any car that costs more than mine (meaning of course, any car), and we were fine. JC stores mysteriously empty early on, not so scary later in day. Found A's kids-- the heir, the spare and the pair (twins) – watching American football at my house, liking the big guys jumping on other big guys but not all the waiting around bits.  

Explained to A that real shoppers wait it out. Triumphantly showed off some accessories from last winter's end-of-season sales (feather & ribbon gloves, feather wristlet, jeweled cuff gloves, moonbeam sequin blazer, metallic coquette hobo), and leather lederhosen with elastic waist from this fall. Her comment: ooh, you can wear this gear to Ren Fayres! There'll always be an England. Planning to take up Alchemy now that I know what to wear. Need pointy hat. But no, A says puffy shorts, tights, booties & sequin floppy jacket are for court jester, not distinguished alchemist. Sigh. Time travel is not cheap.