how many shopping days was that?

In which, having grimly contemplated the future of retailing as we know it, wellfedfred attempts to bring the holiday spirit to some utterly undeserving urchins:

Sometimes I shop in the country
Sometimes I shop in the town
Sometimes I feed the kids at the mall
When the sitter has let me down.

Santa’s on a beer break, 
J.Crew is empty and cold
The mall is draped in tacky, 
I’m feeling tired and old.

So home we go in traffic
No TV or X-box tonight
We’ll make Christmas lists together
And bring to our dark moods some light.
I’ve mixed a lovely eggnog (mine is stronger than the kids’)
I’ve managed to light a Yule Log and stop the “He didn’t -- you dids!”
Pencils out, paper ready, we sit down by the fire
For the kids and I and the catalogs with Santa to conspire.
(dainty sip of eggnog)

Their lists are long
But mine is longer
Their eggnog’s sweet
But mine is stronger.
(sips again)


Dear Santa, you and I have had
A long and close relation,
So if you go to J.Crew for me,
Follow instructions without variation.
(sips eggnog)
One:  no blended yarns from livestock that feel suspiciously like a cat 
Two:  no flimsy silk-ish tops that need camis, ‘cause they make me itch.
Three: no mini skirts, no leather shorts (the public will thank you for that).
Four: no falling hems, no slipping cuffs, even just by a stitch
(mmm eggnog)
No splitting seams, no fraying edges, no plastic threads -- 
And please oh please not one thing that sheds!
Oh, festive spirits, joyful smiles,
No, the kids are laughing at the catalog styles
(slllurrps eggnog)
Santa, dear, when I’m dressed up in finest holiday fettle
Don’t spoil my ensemble with mystery metal
(pours more eggnog)

Gosh, this was going to be such a sweet little list
And look at me now, I am totally p----d.
            (chugs eggnog)

Give me back that catalog, you little wretch, or I will tie a knot in the top of your stocking
And what I will tell Santa about you and your brothers will be totally shocking.
  And NO you may NOT taste my eggnog.
                  (urrpppp)

16 comments:

  1. Thanks Fred!
    And no joke my word verify is BONSIPS
    !!

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  2. hi, Dani, and here's me thinkin witchcraft was limited to Hallowe'en these days... how do they do it?

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  3. hahaha, excellent poetry Fred, thanks for the laughs.

    Do you watch the show Mike & Molly? I was watching while on the elliptical last night and there was a comment that egg nog without booze was like drinking pancake batter. I almost fell off the machine.

    Cheers!

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  4. hi, xoxo, missed that one, it's wonderful!

    almost up to my secret recipe for Holiday Bourbon Balls: skip the bourbon, use cognac and rum. I think it's catching on.

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  5. Southern Belle Ph.D.December 13, 2011 at 9:53 AM

    Wellfedfred, I always enjoy your poetry offerings so very, very much! Thanks for sharing your latest creation. Any chance you could share the poem from this time last year?

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  6. Hi, Southern Belle, thank you! I'll try to find it!

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  7. Right, I'm totally confused, who is Lane and who is Fred? Is this Lane and Fred's blog or a blog by Fred that Lane also likes? Lane is softer than Fred, that much I have gleaned!

    Raspberry sauce recipe, gimme gimme.
    and Snow Queen play , go go go !

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  8. Hi, Tabitha, my blog and Lane is a Delightful Follower who I wish would comment more often.

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  9. Excellent! Gosh I love a little WFF every day :)
    I have discovered the BEST eggnog. On my way to trying eggnog lattes at home (a dicey enterprise), I discovered steamed 50/50 eggnog and milk with a shot is FANTASTIC.

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  10. Thanks for the laugh, WFF! So timely!

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  11. Hi, mommydearest, even the hardiest of us can succumb when overshopped!

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  12. Hi, Rose, no situation that a timely rhyme can't make verse, I mean worse.

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  13. This poem is smashing! Off to work I'm dashing.

    The foreclosed gingerbread house--so sad.

    The will be parties-- all weekend. Must rest our livers for them.

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  14. Southern Belle Ph.D.December 14, 2011 at 9:43 AM

    Wellfedfred, Since this is my third attempt to leave a comment, I will quickly just say THanks a Ton for locating your other poems from the JCA blog. I had searched and found one other that you published there on Christmas Day. I will check the tab at the top should you have others to place there. Thank you so much for finding them!

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  15. Hi, Lane, yes, it's not often that a gingerbread house is so timely. I wanted to find a Mc-ginger-Mansion to put next to it, but discretion is the better part of irony... Maybe I should have looked for a liver-shaped gingerbread creation?

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  16. Hi, SouthernBellePhD, so glad you found the Page! I wasn't sure how to call it to your attention.

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As Alice Roosevelt Longworth said, if you've got anything bad to say, sit next to me! No, really, please remember to be kind, and don't say anything fred's mother would not approve of (Diner's mom didn't approve of anything. Including fred.)
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