'Twas the night, 'twas the night

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the flat
Not a creature was stirring, not a bug, not a rat.
Himself in some sweatpants that had seen better days
and I still bone-weary from shopping malaise
Were snacking while sitting in front of the tree
and watching the Yule Log flicker on the TV
When outside the window there arose such a clatter
We grabbed for our Go-Bags then checked what was the matter.
In New York we'ves have had Go-Bags for more than ten years;
The office provides them in profit-centered fear
that in a crisis we'd rush home without that tiny ration
of band-aid, tinfoil blanket, power bar and Dasani hydration.

At home I'm better ready, I grew up as a Scout.
I'm Prepared for emergencies and won't be without
a bottle of cognac, a warm cashmere throw
and some Drake's Yankee Doodles, they're what I know
will get us through trouble by night or day -
those chemical cakes are indestructible
cognac's medicinal, that's ineluctable -
even though cashmere's somewhat of a cliché.

But out on the terrace – a real jaw-dropper:
a visit from Santa and his new lead reindeer Shopper!

“Where's Rudolf?” I cried, “and his nose of Bright Flame?”
“It's called Maraschino, so he stayed home in shame,”
Santa sighed, as he called to the team
Of reindeer that worked on a measly per diem.
“On Clearance, on Killer, on Twofer and Blitzen,
on Markdown, on Promo, on Goner and Sitzen!”

“But aren't you meant to be up in the sky?”
“Not so much,” replied Santa, with a tear in his eye.
“The prices were falling so early this year,
everyone bought her own gifts, which is why I am here.
The reindeer walked out in a regular snit,
So I took on these new guys who just can't commit.
I'm just riding around out of habit, I guess.”
We gave him some Doodles and some cognac no less.
And we heard him exclaim as he rose out of sight
Merry Christmas to All and To All a Good Night!

18 comments:

  1. Thanks for the Christmas Eve poem!
    You have such a talent for this and I have a new image in my mind of Head Reindeer Shopper.
    Marry Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Well I meant Merry. And I haven't even been into the cognac I swear.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hi, Dani, thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it. As for the typo, well, it's that time of year. None of my comments on OPB this week have had punctuation and autocorrect is having its way with me...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Shopper! That's hilarious..you should have held a competition for everyone to rename Sant's slavedeers. But I don't think Shopper can be beaten! Merry Christmas.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I meant Santa..I've only had ONE glass....really.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Hi, sulky kitten, I like Markdown and Promo for a start... But Shopper does have a certain something.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I love it! What a funny writer you are! My fave is Twofer.

    Have a very merry Christmas!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi, Closet Crisis, glad you enjoyed! Have a Very Merry Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
  9. perhaps your best work to date! loving rudolph's renamed color and all the replacement names.

    and happy new year!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks, mommydearest, have a Merrie!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Southern Belle Ph.D.December 24, 2011 at 8:52 AM

    Wellfedfred, Thank you so very much for such a fantastic poem!! I just love the reindeer names. And thank you for taking the time to sit down and create this gem. You are so thoughtful.

    Wishing you and your family Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Brilliant!
    I hope that you will be visited by a Santa in much better spirits.
    Merry Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Hi, SouthernBelle, thank you, and Merry Christmas to you and yours!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Hi, Cris, mille grazie e Buon Natale!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thanks for the chuckle, I prefer maraschino to bright flame! As for the new batch of reindeer, hmmm... oh my, I must exclaim.

    Merry Christmas!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Well done, Tiffany Rose! Have a Merry!

    ReplyDelete

As Alice Roosevelt Longworth said, if you've got anything bad to say, sit next to me! No, really, please remember to be kind, and don't say anything fred's mother would not approve of (Diner's mom didn't approve of anything. Including fred.)
Wellfedfred and the Whining Diner reserve the right to edit or delete any comments submitted to this blog without notice if we find:
1. Comments deemed to be spam or questionable spam
2. Comments including profanity or objectionable language
3. Comments containing concepts that could be deemed offensive
4. Comments that attack a person individually
and since there's been a flood of spam lately, we're trying the Robot thing to see if we can block some spam...