Fred packs and gets ready for the Olympics

Dear readers may recall my trip to London to attend A Certain Wedding, which was an event of such magnitude that it required a number of posts. My personal favorite post was when the Royal Messenger failed to arrive with the Royal Invitation, and the dear young couple charmingly arranged to have it delivered by a certain Bunny. And not a moment too soon.

It now seems that another event of note is about to take place in London: the 2012 Olympics!  The run-up is frantic, never in my life have I heard so many lame excuses for not having a spare room. Or a spare bed. Or couch. Where is your humanity, Londoners? 
Not one to sit around and sulk, I have taken Other Measures. With a nod to Tom Paxton, whose edgy folksongs illuminated our childhood, and a link (I hope) to appropriate background music,
we are going to


Whaddaya mean, row? I came
to watch the Ribbon Dancing.
As plans unfold, it appears that some events will take place in the Borough of Manhattan, and some will take place at Flintstone Manor and convenient beaches. In the State of New York, in case you didn't know, The Beaches Belong to the People. That, of course, includes Olympic Hopefuls. You just have to get there. But after all, people will be stuck in traffic all over London, no? Analyzed that way, Games in London and Games at the East End of Long Island: a difference without a distinction. Accordingly, I present the short list of women's events and venues:

But first, instead of a Pageant and Ceremony, here is a simple Introduction with even more Capital Letters. I have concluded that every Olympic event, with the exception of the Dancing With Long Multi-Colored Ribbons, demonstrates the athlete's facility with an object that was once a Tool of War, viz. the Spear, or with a skill that was once an Art of War, viz. Running Faster Than Other People. Sometimes, in a really good event, you get to see both, viz. Throwing Large Heavy Rocks Very Far. As the science of war becomes more and more sophisticated, we get more and more outmoded weapons and skills, and that is why the Olympic Events seem to take up an entire month, when really, they do not. This does not explain the ribbon dancing, perhaps it was added so the coaches could get some good laughs at the try-outs. With relief, I point out that Pushing Buttons is not yet an Olympic Event. The Local Olympics, however, are going to feature Skills That We All Have, Only Better, plus a few Skills That We Should Probably Develop When We Get Time. 




Retail High Hurdles: Teams of 3, starting at Prince Street Subway Station, must cover 5 different retail stores, dealing with lines, strange pricing, weary salespeople, and
purchasing one thing at each store. First one of a team to complete a purchase passes bag to second who passes hers to third, who starts the process at the next store. First group to complete the course, with all 15 shopping bags, gets to sit down and have a drink.


Sturdy shopping bags
comfortable shoes, bus/subway cards
Changing Room Roundabout.
Each competitor will select 5 items from
selling floor, find open dressing room and try on each item without whining, replace each on hanger or fold into square, carry out and replace at original location on selling floor. Points deducted for helpful SA, extra points added for successful navigation of obstacles, such as dressing room line, nosy SA, peculiar looks from security. To claim extra points for putting up with dirty or dusty dressing room, picture must be submitted within 20 seconds of crossing finish line.


Slip-on shoes, room deodorant spray
Circular Bag Carry. Carrying coat, briefcase, handbag, shopping bag, transit pass and umbrella, competitor is required to walk past a store window, reverse course, enter store, locate object from window, try it on, and buy it, without dropping other stuff she is carrying, and leave store with all original stuff plus new thing in new shopping bag.

Besides the stuff to be carried? You kiddin'?

200-meter Spike Heel Totter.
Prequalifying heat: competitors wear the heels in which they plan to compete onto a large boat whose deck has just been refinished, and pose languidly before being thrown overboard by the boat's owner.

The Totter: surviving competitors go from one designated point to another  - on land - without falling down, uttering cries of pain, grimacing. Starting/stopping points and close calls in discretion of referees.
East End (of Long Island) Dockside
Foot powder, cooling spray.

Sample Sale Freestyle Bag Toss. One competitor gets on line to check out when doors open, letting others in front of him while other competitor dashes through aisles and over counters, grabbing as she goes. As large bag is filled, she leaps onto counter, gives the team cry (for example, WOO HOO!), and flings her bag or bags to guy on checkout line. He must then decide whether to check out then, or continue waiting while she continues pillaging through merch. Winner is determined by averaging scores of best retail price/sample price ratio, greatest number of items scored, greatest number of true samples scored. East Coast locations to be disclosed after torch is lit
pairs, mixed
Infinite patience and combat shoes.

Quite possibly more Women's Events will be added as the time nears. I have to see if wearing my Striped Gauze Maxi Skirt while grilling a steak is the test of Boldness and Courage that I'm afraid it might be. And of course, I'm sure you all have some favorite events that you'd like to see take place in this year's Crew-lympics. Just let me know. I considered  Dangling Merchandise from Terrace Until Spouse Is Asleep (urban, single), but terrace dangling is strictly discouraged at Flintstone Towers.

Oh, and I'm also open to considering Men's Events. I just haven't been able to think of any. Yet.


  1. I have no stamina for your events. That is why I am on injured reserve with repetitive motion inflammation from point and click submit. What about a simple event of a timed event to put on and take off a garment that has no zippers, buttons or stretch? Without the help of scissors or ripping the garment, of course.

    1. Hi, tiffany rose, that kind of aerobic shopping - deep breath, arms up, exhale, bend over - is what a former colleague and I called "going to the gym" when we slipped away from our macho (male) co-workers at lunchtime!

  2. I loathe the Olympics. I'm heading down this weekend so as to avoid the whole hoopla. God, bring yiur brolly and an anorak!

    1. well, we are having a heat wave here, so you're welcome to show up post-event for the Marathon Cocktail Sip, Beer&Ale Chug, Wine Sniff-n-Gurgle, and other liquid events.

  3. Love this - how about the early morning "refresh" skeet shoot, where you check in each morning, pathetically hoping that that one item you missed might "pop-back" in your size? Involves, hand-eye coordination, mental dexterity, and the ability to recall your Trainer's voice in your head: "Yes, that linen blazer WILL show up in a 6. And YOU deserve to find it..."

  4. Blogger and my iPad are in open war! I did not mean to publish yet.... Ok, tres amusant, as usual. I do love WMM's suggestion. The only men's events I can think of we super snarky so probably best to keep them to myself.
    I like the Olympics, but as there is no tv are the cottage, don't expect to be watching much.

  5. mommydearest, you are more than welcome here no matter how many iPads and their maliciously slippery keyboards try to stand in your way. Glad you got through! every men's event I came up with failed the "will not attract droolers" test when I realized that the piece of equipment required was a ruler.

  6. No worries, I have no interest whatsoever of running /or rather swimming to London ( ocean crossing is required, I forgot). I'd rather attend your version of Olympics- totally up my valley. Funnily, my home town(Donetsk, Ukraine) just hosted European soccer match- the event that requited 3 years of extensive preparations and major renovations on my townees part. The flats, condos, hotel rooms and even street benches were sold out a year prior.:)

    1. Happy 4th to you and family, enjoy the day!

    2. street benches? ok, I dated a soccer player (big strong striker) so I understand the extent of the devotion, but still...

    3. and Happy Fourth to you & yours!


As Alice Roosevelt Longworth said, if you've got anything bad to say, sit next to me! No, really, please remember to be kind, and don't say anything fred's mother would not approve of (Diner's mom didn't approve of anything. Including fred.)
Wellfedfred and the Whining Diner reserve the right to edit or delete any comments submitted to this blog without notice if we find:
1. Comments deemed to be spam or questionable spam
2. Comments including profanity or objectionable language
3. Comments containing concepts that could be deemed offensive
4. Comments that attack a person individually
and since there's been a flood of spam lately, we're trying the Robot thing to see if we can block some spam...