dressing room angels get the blues and Fred does country

I'm not really drunk yet
Got started way too late
Spent the day shopping
May have gained a little weight

Oh pour me another
And look my way kindly
But when I try pants on
Please don't look behind me

When we were a number
I could take my sweet time
I knew I looked better
I knew I looked fine
When your clothes say they love you
It shows in your face
Now I just look tired
And slightly off base

My seams are done splittin
My tee shirts have holes
My boots are pinchin
It's outa control

Look at the bottle
Empty the glass
Look at your smartphone
Don't look at my ***

I can't close the zipper
I can't turn around
I can't get these boots off
My size can't be found
Gained weight on my elbows?
Gained weight on my toes?
Oh maybe I didn't
It could be the clothes

Can you be the driver
I need to be home
I need to start dinner
But first, pick up my phone
Wait, you can't bend over?
Well, I can't reach the floor
You tried on what I did
Guess J.Crew doesn't love us any more.

14 comments:

  1. Ah, I have days like this!!

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  2. Yes, for a city kid, I'm real good at tellin it country.

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  3. Oh I hate the dressing room! They are always stuffy, some of them have SAs who are trying to be nice but knocking on the door every 20 secs asking if I am alright doesn't make me feel more special, I always end up in some sort of almost-sweaty disarray, and I swear a bunch of stores have fixed mirrors or something, because when I take the item home and try it on again, I don't look the same! OK, dressing room rant over, haha.

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    Replies
    1. A family belief: the mirrors in Hat Departments have in fact been treated. This is why you look doe-eyed and sophisticated in the store, and like Minnie Pearl (note country allusion) when you get the hat home.

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  4. Ugh. Been there. This is exactly why cosmetics and accessories are always on the first floor of department stores.

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    Replies
    1. And yet the same funny mirrors that make my skin look pearly and blemish-free are present in cosmetic depts as well, so that when I get home, I look orange and blotchy.

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  5. SO very funny. One of the J Crew stores by me(the closest, of course) has such piercing, interrogation room lighting, that everything shows. I have schooled myself not to look too closely, because there is so much shadow, even my feet look wrinkly and disproportionate! Add in the inconsistent sizing, and nothing is more of an ego booster. :)

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    Replies
    1. Although there are still a few places that have pleasant changing rooms, I think most dressing rooms have fallen victim to The Economy. They're hardly ever cleaned, the mirrors are smeary, and the light bulbs are the cheapest available. I'm fortunate in living surrounded by stores, I even cut through stores in bad weather, so lately I've been ordering stuff in several sizes and just bringing back what doesn't work. I realize this is not for everyone, I don't even know how much longer I'll put up with it.

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    2. Oh, sorry I was unclear. I live in the midst of a shopping metropolis! But I have noticed that certain stores have awful fitting room lighting. The one J Crew shop I mentioned, Bloomingdale's cosmetics counter and one of the Banana Republic stores by me have lighting that makes me look misshapen. I actually just posted on my blog about C Wonder, which has strikingly lovely fitting rooms.

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    3. And yet when I say "the light in here is awful, I'm going to step outside and see what color this makeup really is on me," I get the witches eyeball. Barney's has fabulous makeup - I think, it's in the basement. Imagine investing in By Terry in the dark. Saks makeup is in a dim area of the ground floor, Bloomies is a guessing game, and I'm surrounded by dimly lit sephoras. Lately I've been wearing only mascara, I know what color it is, and a nice bb cream which I picked because it doesn't smell funny.

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  6. As Egyptomaniac reported on her blog today, I think that they are perhaps starting to reverse the vanity sizing. (Of course the one item on which I sized up is far too large.) That is why shoe shopping is the best.

    I was recently at Nordstrom, and I saw my mother's @$$ in the three-way mirror even though I was alone in the dressing room . . .

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    Replies
    1. I have a few things at home that are going back, and soon. The fit and executions - hm, only word is peculiar. I rarely find a JC shoe that fits. Every time I buy something, I have to worry about which sizes to try. It's like adolescence all over again.

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  7. I can't stop giggling. You are so very funny. Thanks for the warning. When I go to the Crew to try on, I will size up. Noticed that in the newest roll out, the tops are definitely a little smaller (at least the knit tops I tried on). I'm perfectly fine with whatever size looks best, size is just a number (or letter). What I'm not fine with is the constant screwing with the fits. It's giving ME fits! For a company that LOVES Final Sale, J Crew should be more consistent with their sizing. Lots of people don't have the opportunity to go to a B&M to try on.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, I think retail is an area that hasn't received sufficient attention in the country-western genre.

      I'm grumpy about sizing today, wasted time calling all over town to locate an XL to exchange for my S cardigan. CS was no help at all, I needed to get this done today while the 30 off is still going, not when WWFIFY reaches my spot in the queue.

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