back by popular demand, the (slightly updated) script for a multi-cultural festive occasion

As Thanksgiving approaches we interrupt the travel report to bring you some holiday reflections. I've always loved making holiday dinners, to the point of being happily breathless when dinner's over and the floor is covered with paper, the furniture is adorned with food-based fingerprints as yet unknown to any juvenile authority, and the couches are upholstered with immovable football statisticians in snoring coma (a congenital condition attached to the Y chromosome).... well, there's a lot to be said for the gradual erosion of at least some cherished family traditions.
Our family is delightfully multi-cultural (but you knew that), so perhaps some of these traditional events may have once been yours, too:

THE FIVE TANTRUMS OF THE IN-LAWS

THE OH, SO MERRY MERRY SEATING REARRANGEMENT (an all-American folk dance)

THE RITUAL RECITATION OF FOOD ALLERGIES AND DIETETIC SENSITIVITIES  
 (often but not always a responsive reading)

THE MEAL-TIME VISIT OF THE BALD UNCLE WHO NEVER BRINGS PRESENTS
um, not exactly our house

THE FOUR MULTI-CULTURAL QUESTIONS:

-- is there garlic in this?  
        -- she puts garlic in everything

-- is there garlic in this?  
         -- I can taste the garlic

-- is there garlic in this?   
        -- anyone can taste garlic in this

-- is there garlic in this?  
        -- I don't know why noone else can taste garlic 

THE CRUEL BUT NECESSARY REVISITING OF FAMILY RECIPES FROM GENERATIONS PAST 
(included here: loud resumptions of the Lard/Chicken Fat Feud and the Great Butter/Olive Oil Vendetta)

THE LOUD AND PERSISTENT INTERROGATION OF SINGLE WOMEN ABOUT THEIR LIVING ARRANGEMENTS

THE DISSERTATION AND DISPUTATION CONCERNING THE PROVENANCE AND EVENTUAL DISPOSITION OF THE HOLIDAY SILVER AND SERVING DISHES 
              (a sharing of memories of the sacrifices made by our or your or 
               someone's ancestors to provide the ungrateful and unappreciative 
               with a complete service for 12 plus bread-and-butter plates and 
               2 extra cups, which will pass to the one descendant who really truly - 
               trust me - doesn't want them)

THE DEPARTURE BEFORE DESSERT OF THE SILENT COUSIN WHO ALWAYS ARRIVES ALONE

THE DARING MAN TO MAN CHALLENGE, in which the World's Greatest Expert on Everything explains in great detail, mispronouncing all names, how wars should be won, to Gallant Nephew who is just back from Afghanistan and doesn't like loud noises. Also known as the Familial Duck and Cover.

THE ORGAN RECITAL OF THE COMATOSE SPORTS FANS (featuring Uncle *** on the nose flute and Grandpa ### on the intestinal tympani)

Anything ring a bell?

21 comments:

  1. Oh this is genius!Love the garlic squabbles and the family recipe feuds.

    I would add to the seating arrangement ritual the "Dining Chair Debacle" or 'who gets the spare chair from the bedroom or the three-legged stool.'

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi, Trish! Yes, absolutely, chair rankings are serious stuff around here.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I resemble that dinner!

    My God, I thought of you last week at my dad's funeral. My cousin, she of the VERY VERY wide girth, asked if she could take home the leftover sandwiches from the tea and then said very dramatically when leaving "I guess I won't see you again till Mum dies!" At that very moment I began to pray for my aunt's very very long life....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. there's just something about being at a table with relatives that causes people either to revert to childhood roles - the Brat, the Good Daughter, the Tattletale, the Kindly Uncle - or to see others as four years old and in need of immediate correction. I wish Science could do something worthwhile for a change and explain it.

      Delete
  4. WFF, you give new meaning to the word gathering! Long ago I thought the interrogations would wane or at least die down to a prod when I brought a consistent signifigant other, married etc. But the busybodies do just move on to children, real estate...even if they don't have any of their own.
    Have a happy and delicious Thanksgiving feast, with only small doses of revelation and comic relief.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, GetFresh, Himself is fond of quoting George S. Kaufman: "Sight unseen, I'll trade you your relatives for mine." Of course, having met his relatives, it's a little difficult for me to keep smiling when I hear this.

      Delete
    2. Sure by now Himself knows that's like re-gifting, generally unwelcome.

      Delete
  5. Brilliant!

    THE FURTIVE IPHONE SCORE SURFING, practiced by the males present as the meal always conflicts with some bloody game.

    We are just the 4 of us this year so will be wonderful and low stress. AND I am not working the day before for the first time in many many years-- YAY! Then volunteering Friday together.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, yes, the scores. In the days before smartphones, Himself was constantly excusing himself to check scores. And when he was in a Fantasy Football League, this required numerous phone calls to update trades, side bets, etc - in case you didn't know this is where the real action is in these leagues. People always thought he was working on some - thing - or other that had just heated up at the wrong time, could never believe he was just on the phone getting his bets down.

      We're a small group, too, this year. I actually miss the hustle and bustle.

      Delete
    2. Fantasy Football League; I had no idea. Must check this with groovy NY architect nephew ( the score checker).

      Delete
  6. So funny. The in-law tantrums are a year-round event here. It just escalates to fever pitch around every special event.

    ReplyDelete
  7. hi, xoxo, my sister's comment on that one was "How do you come up with only five?" I guess I have to say, poetic license.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Happy Thanksgiving, WFF! Yes, these are so true! :)

    ReplyDelete
  9. Happy Thanksgiving!

    I have an excellent Copywriter From Space screen shot for you, but I can't find an email address--do you have one that you would be willing to post here?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi, Caitlin, it's wellfedfred@verizon.net

      and thanks, the CFS is always worth watching.

      Delete
  10. Happy Thanksgiving Fred-I didn't read this until I'd fed(and cleaned up after) the multitudes, this is so very funny, especially the orchestral arrangement courtesy of the snooze gallery. I'm sure your meal was fabulous, garlic or no.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Happy Thanksgiving, David! Family is scattered this year, so a small group, but the food was good and the group was mellow. Something about Thanksgiving makes me feel about 12 and wanting desperately not to have to sit at the children's table...

    ReplyDelete
  12. I found your blog through bourbon & pearls - so glad I did! Too funny. :)

    ReplyDelete

As Alice Roosevelt Longworth said, if you've got anything bad to say, sit next to me! No, really, please remember to be kind, and don't say anything fred's mother would not approve of (Diner's mom didn't approve of anything. Including fred.)
Wellfedfred and the Whining Diner reserve the right to edit or delete any comments submitted to this blog without notice if we find:
1. Comments deemed to be spam or questionable spam
2. Comments including profanity or objectionable language
3. Comments containing concepts that could be deemed offensive
4. Comments that attack a person individually
and since there's been a flood of spam lately, we're trying the Robot thing to see if we can block some spam...