vampire wear: the quest for world domination reaches the undead

OK, if the ladies who share the task of making me look as young and vibrant as... well, as they can, are to be believed, when Transylvania was part of Hungary, it was reknowned for being one of those rare spots in Europe where the population was a mix of religions and ethnic groups and the people were generally sufficiently housed and fed so that they didn't blame Others for what they didn't have. The furniture was beautifully crafted and often wittily handpainted, indeed many of the houses were painted all over with flowers and leaves and dancing children. The regional dress flattered the women and made the men look bright and gallant. Everybody cooked with sour cream. Wars, regime changes, redrawing of borders took their toll, the Ceaucescu regime razed the painted houses and the furniture was burnt for fuel by the destitute and desperate, which was almost everybody.
An example of painted furniture that was part
of an exhibit and not burned for heat. 
But even during the years when Transylvania was a part of Hungary where people went on vacation for the mountains, scenery and fresh air, something was missing. What did folk wear when they weren't dressed up in their regional outfits? Good question. They didn't have a J.Crew.
Imagine what Dear Leader's Design Team could do
with this old wreck.
Menswear and crewcuts upstairs, of course.
I believe that may be changing. Here is a whole part of the world where the "for good" outfits were confiscated and destroyed by a series of hostile regimes and during the rest of the week, the people wore things indistinguishable from any other poor area in similar climate. My ladies are sure that if the Ceaucescus could have found a way to make them wear loincloths, the shirts would have been confiscated as well.

I predicted "J.Crew vampire wear" about two years ago, when bloggers and commenters were starting to talk about how nice it would be if J.Crew expanded into maternity clothes. They're getting their feet wet there, and people are quite happy about it. But think about this - the need for actual maternity clothes is finite. Women with more than 6 or 7 children don't wear J.Crew. For one thing, they don't have time for the pricing games and promo hunts. Thus, if a woman buys a few maternity things this October, chances are that the soonest she'll be buying more is likely to be January 2016. The tees and leggings of 2013 will all have holes anyway.

J.Crew has also flirted with Layette and with Petwear. Petwear tends to turn up around Christmas, but I think J.Crew is missing the market. Preppy petwear with a twist is a perfect gift for summer visitors to bring, because most people who are visited during the summer have enough guest towels and embroidered napkins, while a dedicated pet owner never has enough cute things for her animal companion.
Look, pompoms too!
But as I understand it, vampires don't change, don't age, and don't die, although they seem to be getting thinner. So once a vampire decides she likes JC outfits, you have a customer who will outlive your company. This is a market worth cultivating. Additionally, to many vampires, saving money is meaningless. They'll buy at full price if something appeals. A Personal Shopper would have a whole career out of two or three vampires.
Feed this model before
she bites someone!
Of course, vampires have been working at J.Crew for some time now. They're modern vampires, in that they show up on film. This picture of a lady vampire (technically, a Lamia) wearing J.Crew while working on a candidate for Undead-ness appeared in Vogue this past January.
Her teeth and his dazed expression are the clues...
Even before this, we often saw comments on the Undead qualities of some of the catalog models. Like this one:
So I'm guessing that sooner rather than later, we'll be seeing lacy blouses with puffy sleeves, swirling capes, small accessory flasks and chiller bottles, laced-up ankle boots with pointy pointy toes... all in deepest black. Oops, I mean navy.

14 comments:

  1. with hints of modern red (I mean blood?)

    Too funny! I remind myself constantly that my Buddha belly is a sign of fortunate and well fed I am.... and alive..

    ReplyDelete
  2. Hi, Wendy! I think the trend will take off with one of JC's famous collaborations, I just haven't figured out with whom. Or maybe with what.

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  3. J.Crew is never one to miss a trend, are they? I don't follow the undead shows, although I caught my husband watching True Blood once. He insisted that it was the cat who wanted to see it.

    When I was a teenager J.Crew sold dog accessories called Crewmutts. I bought a darling little plaid collar for our dog. Unfortunately they dropped the line sometime after that and I didn't get anything more. I would expect a new line wouldn't be the same level of quality as those from the good old days because, well, what is?

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    Replies
    1. Hi, xoxo! Yes, Crewmutts! That's the cute name I couldn't remember, thanks!

      I wouldn't discount the cat story yet, some cats are just transfixed by cat videos, which are all about cats chasing and pouncing on little creatures like birds, mice, rabbits - not that far from an undead serial.

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  4. I just want the damn girls to comb their hair. I sometimes feel I am looking at page after page of women doing the walk of shame when I look at their catalog ( yes, I said catalog). Now I know they're just fangers (yes, I like my True Blood soft core porn).

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    Replies
    1. Hi, BB, the walk of shame "styling" reached a low on 2011, when the models were not only unkempt but were wearing stuff that was so obviously mismatched that they looked like they'd gotten dressed on the run, grabbing clothing from people's floors and door handles as they passed. Vampire wear would be an improvement.

      Delete
  5. I don't like that dead-eye look. Maybe we are going to have the Vampire Capsule Collection.

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    Replies
    1. A capsule collection would be a great way to kick off the latest response to popular demand! and, of course, a great way to promote a testing-the-waters pop-up in Transylvania!

      Delete
  6. I'm not sure that model is dead so much as she is riding a heroin high.

    Nothing makes me buy clothes as much as a scrawny model who looks to have an addiction.

    :-)

    Pearl

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    Replies
    1. hi, Pearl, well, it's a look, for sure.

      Delete
  7. Oh no, I did not realize they were already among us ...

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    Replies
    1. I'm betting the nerd glasses have transparent sun shield (for daylight hours, doncha know?).

      Delete

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