on sensitive plants and telling the truth

Once upon a time I thought my (then) living room would benefit from plants. Short version: I was mistaken. The plants always had excuses: more sun, less sun, someone in the neighborhood was mulching and the dust hurt their leaves, too hot, too cold, more water, less water, plant food, wrong kind of plant food, not enough room in pot, too much room in pot... Honestly, it was like thanksgiving dinner at my mother-in-law's, surrounded by her female relatives (the men had all died and presumably were giving thanks for that in another dimension). Someone always found a reason to moan or find fault. My moment of thankfulness came when we could leave.
the Norns, seeing fate
My friend Bernice told me not to throw away the deceased plants, she could rescue them with love and care. When I arrived chez Bernice with a carton containing a pitifully droopy jungle, her husband - big gruff guy with loud voice - barred the door and told me they had enough dead plants and they were starting to smell. Apparently he did not share Bernice's perception of herself as a botanical Florence Nightingale.
plants, seeing fate
Well, the plant kingdom and I have reached certain accommodations, essentially you can have the sunniest window if I don't have to sweep up after you. Rule for survival around here: don't make extra work.

My parents were very strait-laced when it came to doing homework by yourself, keeping your room neat, not hitting people, not dressing like a slut, not cutting classes or skipping school. It was easy to understand the expectations. It was not so easy to distinguish between the requirements to be truthful at all times and to have good manners at all times. We worked on it. But no matter how tactful we tried to be, no matter how tactful I still try to be, there are going to be Those Who Are Miffed. Bernice would have called them "Sensitive Plants." Botanically speaking, a sensitive plant is one which reacts to touch by curling up its leaves in horror and in extreme cases, to hostile stimuli such as me tiptoeing into the room, by dropping its leaves.

There are people like that too, and you never know what's going to set them off. I'm not talking about the quivering shell-shocked old cousin who deserves our thanks and respect as well as our compassion - close the door gently.

No, I'm talking about the people who trudge through life seeking to be offended. Example: Someone asks how come the mashed potatoes taste so good. Here are possible replies:

                  (1).  oh, I don't know, just dumb luck.

                  (2).  my mom's recipe, she'd come back and haunt me if I told.

                  (3).  lots of non-ultra-pasteurized heavy cream and sweet butter.

                  (4).   skim milk and yoghurt.

Which is most likely to be found offensive by a sensitive plant?  Answer: all of the above. Which is true? Answer: (3), of course, and when I state a recipe, it's just that, a recipe, not an invitation to discuss the workings of someone's innards.

Another variety of Sensitive Plant is the Shrieking Begrudger. Example: someone you know only slightly recognizes you at the grocery store and cries out, not Hello! but "Why are you wearing a fur jacket to go food shopping?" Possible replies:

                 (1).  The full-length mink hasn't come back from the tailor.

                 (2).   Oh, sorry, didn't have anything better to hand.

                 (3).   I donated all the cloth ones to St Vincent de Paul.

                  (4).   I'm on my way to the opera and wanted to grab a bag of chocolate chips to hide at the bottom of my purse since we won't be having dinner until after.

                  (5).   Isn't everyone? Oh, look, maybe not.

Which is most likely to be found offensive by a sensitive plant?  Answer:  I sincerely hope, all of the above. Which was true? Answer (4) - something about overtures and recitatives causes cravings.

What have I learned from dealing with the pathologically over-sensitive? Don't waste time on creativity, just tell the truth, they'll be offended anyway. This makes me think, there should be a separate post on telling the truth about money without giving away any real information.

Is it possible to feel envy without being jealous? For the longest time I envied elderly women who wore what they pleased, outrageous hats, glittery brooches, gigantic flower prints, without incurring anything but praise and admiration for having gotten up and out the door. I got up this morning, too, I'd think, and I showered and put on office clothes and got out the door, am I not wonderful? Answer: yes, but  not as wonderful as someone whose every breath defies her past, challenges her future, says so what if I wasn't allowed into medical school, I'm still here and get out of my way, I have a lunch date and there's a sale at Saks.

In the presence of women finally set free by age, and enjoying it, I won't curl my fronds or drop my leaves. I'll smile and nod and if my feet aren't killing me I'll offer my seat on the bus. Unless, of course, I sense that the offer might cause offense.

17 comments:

  1. Love the photo of Seattle Opera's Norns! I've seen this production of the "Green" Ring four times now and it never ceases to amaze me. If you are attending Wagner you'd better have more than a bag of chocolate chips in your purse.

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    1. hi, Hexicon, they're great Norns, aren't they? We used to call my mother-in-law and her sisters the Three Fates, these ladies have much more - um, something.

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  2. I've lived long enough to know that when something tastes heavenly there is no need to inquire about the ingredients or calorie counts. With regards to the coat, if you are facing frigid temperatures and own a fur, wear it wherever you please. There is a fine line between truth and tact. My mother was a great believer in "If you don't have anything nice to say ......." In hindsight this was not the most helpful advice to have given naturally shy children. Maybe with age I will stop curling my fronds. I have also stated devouring bags of chocolate chips. How had I never thought of this before?

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    1. Hi, Teacups, I'm partial to ScharfenBerger Bittersweet Baking Chunks (blue package) and the darkest chips Ghirardelli makes. Nice little bite on a gray day.

      And then there was the time my sister welcomed the sight of my aunt's groaning Thanksgiving table with a bright smile and a cheerful cry of "Oh boy, oh boy, everything I don't like!" Mom told her later that she might have done better to stop after the second "oh boy."

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  3. I fight frond curling valiantly, but still succumb from time to time. The blog helps and hinders my progress - I'm sure you know what I mean? My mother and sister were the worst I knew, going through life so perpetually offended that eventually, in my sister's case, you end up quite isolated...

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    1. Both of us have cousins who live in the state of offended, I was able to cut mine off with the support of my sister, who then followed my example. We didn't like her when she was a 4-year-old tattletale, and we didn't like her any better as we grew older. We still hear from Himself's cousin who at age 87 is still waiting for the world to apologize and treat him better.

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  4. Love it!! I must say I am slowly becoming that crazy old woman. Sometimes I dress up sometimes people think I just got up but I genuinely don't care but unfortunately I used to think people had the same no BS threshold as myself - i was wrong and now i am more careful to others. I also have outrage fatigue...

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    1. outrage fatigue, love it! yes, that's creeping up on me.

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  5. What you see is what you get. Yes I have been accused of a lack of tact... By my mother. Do I mean to offend? Most likely not. Do I get offended? Hardly ever.

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    1. Hi, BB, decided a long time ago that I can't be responsible for other people's thin skin or thick heads.

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  6. I have a handful of friends who are sensitive plants. One I've had to leave outdoors. Hopefully he has put himself and the people around him out of collective misery by freezing to death... The other I continue to cultivate, recognizing that her sensitivities were installed at an early age and oddly mirror some of my own.

    Pearl

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    1. Hm, freezing to death outdoors in your climate - that would be about 2 minutes worth? Brrrr.

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  7. 1. My husband's mother (one of the perpetually aggrieved) gave us a potted lemon tree as a gift. This plant wants warm, sunny weather. We live in Wisconsin. Draw your own conclusions and add, "Why didn't she just give you a puppy? Isn't it about as much responsibility?"

    2. I thought I was the only one who kept Emergency Chocolate in my purse. We go to the 4:00 play on Saturday and then eat after. I can't go until 7:00 p.m. without a snack. It's very important to have chocolate available at all times.

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    1. At least it wasn't a snap-front house dress so that you'd have something to wear while ironing...

      Emergency chocolate: to eat or trade - always close at hand.

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  8. I eagerly await your post on responding to questions about money without any real information... I was shocked (but not offended) by the number of acquaintances (as well as casual friends) who boldly asked how much a home renovation cost; I got better at answering as I got more experienced, but never really warmed to the conversation. I have found my husband is an excellent gut check when I'm wondering whether to be offended about something-he rarely, if ever, endorses the idea. And so we go, merrily along.

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    1. Well, sometimes I smile and murmur "oh, you know I never discuss personal finances / answer personal questions ."

      A pet peeve - when someone asks a prying question on behalf of a "friend" or "neighbor" -- the quotes are because I always think these persons are fictitious. My response: why on earth would she want to know that? Or, if it's a blatant lie, "tell her to call me."

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    2. I will ask my close friends those kinds of questions. As in, I was very interested to know what L paid to have her eyes done because I want to have it done myself and I want to know about what that sort of thing costs. But I don't ask general "How much it cost?" questions because it's none of my business. And I don't care.

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