Fred sneaks up on the stealth satchel

I crept up on this Collection treasure in the J.Crew flagship store, no less, to see if I could flush out what made it worth $595.  It has little to no leather, is completely unstructured, is lined with fabric (poly, natch), has thinnish leather straps (Factory quality), usual 2 scanty compartments. Its top closes with an ugly zipper. Makes a crinkly noise when you sneakily tip-toe around with it. It had been craftily hidden on a table on the second floor where the sale merch is thrown. I wasn't fooled. I have dealt with stealth before. Plus it's large.  I usually prefer lightweight bags, because they get heavy enough when I put my stuff in them. But not when something is so lightweight (read flimsy) that the stuff would fall right through one or more of the bottom seams. I guess a few words are due about the camoflage sequins. Who would even for a moment think this is appropriate? Well, one could look to the Army of the Potomac, led by General "Fightin' Joe" Hooker. Apparently fightin' wasn't all that took place during his tenure. The use of his name in other contexts based on his leadership (or lack thereof) may be apocryphal, but honestly, when I saw the shiny plastic camo sequins, I just pictured a "lady" in these shorts and these shoes in "vintage fatigue", and with her necessary equipment in the Stealth Satchel, creeping furtively between the trenches to an assignation with Fightin' Joe. Or one of his lonely sentries. We know how it can get in Washington sometimes.