guess what? it's time for...

...girlporn: the Catered Affair!
Scene 1: the interior of a car. His father is driving, his mother is ranting, the Girl and the Guy are in the back seat, far apart.
Old Witch: and why they decided to have the wedding all the way out here, I will never know. Probably because it was cheaper. Well, at least it's not on some beach at low tide, like the engagement party. Which you two didn't go to, and I was never so mortified in my entire life, the daughter of my oldest and dearest friend gets engaged and you, who grew up with her and took her to her prom, aren't there.
Director's Note: Old Witch is speaking to Guy, because the only remarks she ever addresses directly to Girl are nasty criticisms, generally out of earshot of Guy.

OW: and everyone knew you stayed away because it would have been just too painful to see that beautiful young doctor marrying some bum. Well, you had your chance, and look how you wound up.
He: We had to go to Stockholm to pick up Her prize, I told you.
His Father: I thought that guy Mike or Mack or whatever is running some foundation he started after his company went public. Didn't I just see his picture in the paper with some famous musician and a former president?
OW: A girl like Brunnhilde shouldn't have to marry some bum who hangs around with worn-out celebrities.

She: Oh my God, you took Brunnhilde to her prom? You never told me!
He: I had to. And - I was ashamed.
She: I'll bet you were.
He (whispering): Her father covered all the expenses and paid me a thousand cash on top.
She: You never told me!
He (whispering): He said he'd have me killed if I told anyone. Ever.
She (now also whispering): You mean all those rumors...
He: (whispering) So you now hold my life in your hands, my beloved.
OW: What's all that whispering?
He: I was just explaining how we were always nice to Brunnhilde because she has her father's nose and her mother's un-chin.
OW: She has a unique style. You have to grow into distinguished looks like that.
His Father: I thought when they dragged her out of that cult, they'd have gotten her braces. They have them for adults now, you know.
OW: Who asked you?
HF: Or at least when she came home from rehab the second time. You know, for sort of a fresh start.
OW: I hope you're not going to talk like that at the wedding.
HF: I probably won't get to talk at all.
OW: so, Guy, what made Girl decide to wear that outfit?
She: Guy picked it out.
OW: (sighs) He used to have such perfect taste.
He: Still do, Ma. Oh, and since when did Brunnhilde become a doctor?
OW: I don't know exactly, but I heard Neighbor's Nerdy Son saying she has a doctorate in ergonomics.
HF: What is that?
Director's Note: the two in the back seat are stifling gales of hysterical laughter.

He: It's the science of making people's bodies comfortable, Pop.
HF: Never heard of it.
She sotto voce And why am I not surprised?
The car stops in front of a giant staircase, gilded bannisters looped round and round with gilded orchids and ivy. The Three Musketeers and a beefy security guard bound over to open all four doors simultaneously.

This crew (in unison) Welcome to Opulence Manor and its breathtaking water views!
OW: Looks like they went for the full optional extras package.
Scene 2. We are inside, a band is playing loud and off-key Tribal Wedding Music, OW hesitates at the entrance.
OW: well, live music! I told you this is an elegant place, and look
how everyone else is all dressed up! I'm so embarrassed, we should go home right now.

He: I'll drive.
HF: I will.
OW: We can't go now, everyone saw us arrive, and besides the little card in the invitation said free valet parking is included.
She: See, you can't argue with logic.
Scene 3:
The reception is in full swing.
OW (to waiter): I'll save you some trouble, just leave that tray of shrimp right here on this table.
He: I need to dance with the most beautiful girl in the place. Right now.
OW: But the shrimp just got here.
He (grabbing Her arm): C'mon, Lovely, let's dance.
As they head for the dance floor, the Old Witch pulls the tray of shrimp closer to her and puts two in her mouth.

She: But you hate dancing.
He: I couldn't just sit there. They might start talking again when she finishes the shrimp.
She: My hero. What's your next feat of gallantry?
He: Ah, perfect, a slow dance. We will get nearer and nearer to the door, and escape.
She: Good plan, but in what car?
He: You know all those limos lined up by the door? We go out the downstairs exit by the parking lot, and one of the drivers will take us home for $50.
She: My hero.
They revolve a few times.

She: What's that commotion over there?
He: Where?
She: Where your parents are sitting.
He: C'mon, now!
She: Wasn't that waiter doing the Heimlich maneuver on your mom?
He: Hurry!

They are in the back of a limo, holding champagne flutes and smiling.
He: I'll be seeing the maid of honor's dress in my nightmares for a long time.
She: Animal prints are big this year, I'm told.

As the limo approaches the entrance/exit of the parking lot, an ambulance, lights flashing, starts to enter but backs up to let the limo exit.

His voice is heard over the sirens:
He: You suffered enough today, hon, how 'bout we go shopping?

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