the ultimate "girl porn" - multiple acts comprising a fantasy

In case anyone's wondering, girl porn is like guy porn to the extent that it depicts fantasies of life in a world where people live only to please you. But the plots are much, much more sophisticated. Sometimes the plots are downright subtle. Let's visit:

A nice-looking man, fully and neatly clothed, is at the sink, rinsing large cooking tools.
He speaks:
Honey, tell me where these go before I put them in the wrong place.
An average-looking woman, a few pounds beyond svelte and a few days short of really needing a good haircut, answers:
The whisks go in the whisk drawer, silly, but the large fork goes with the other barbecue tools, and the locking tongs go next to the whisk.
He smiles, opens the right drawers, checks carefully that no spots or specks were missed during washing, and puts each item in the right place.
Note what does not happen: he does not ask what a whisk is, where the whisk drawer is and whether so many whisks in so many sizes are really necessary. Nor does he inquire after the whereabouts of the barbecue tools, neither does he look like he's even wondering what a locking tongs is. Girl porn is subtle. Pay attention.
 He speaks again:
I could use another cup of coffee. I'll make some when I'm done here, would you like some?
She:
Thanks, but this time of night I'd really rather have herbal tea.
He:
No problem, coming right up. Want lemon with it or lime?
Again, note what doesn't happen: he doesn't moan about putting another pot on the stove, he doesn't ask where the herbal tea is, and he knows what flavor she likes late at night.
We move on, same setting, same couple. The doorbell rings:

He:
Don't get up, I'll get it. It's probably the plumber.
She:
Right on time, too!
He:
Well, I should hope so after all the trouble I took explaining how busy you are and that you don't have time to wait for the tail end of a 12-hour time frame.
He opens the door and the Plumber is there. The Plumber speaks:
Before I take my shoes off, is this the door closest to the problem, or should I go to another entrance?
She:
No, that's fine. 
Plumber:
Thanks, the office notes on the problem are a little unclear. Would you mind explaining it to me once more? I don't want to waste time looking for the wrong thing.
She:
Sure, I've noticed a decrease in pressure in the bathroom faucets, and I think it may be due to a frammis in the rackafratz in this wall. There's an access panel in the basement ceiling that will let you check it.
Plumber:
Thank you, I hate making a mess in peoples' homes. And may I say, your clear and concise explanation was most helpful. Few people have such a sound grasp of the science of plumbing. Well, I won't waste time chatting, I'll get started.
A little later:
Plumber:
I'm glad I have all the parts on my truck so I don't have to make a new appointment after I open a wall.
Later still:
Plumber:
Well, that's that. Here's the bill, and let me point out, you saved a bundle with your accurate diagnosis. Not only my charges, but the disaster to your foundation that would have occurred if you hadn't been paying attention.
She:
Oh, good, and thank you for your prompt arrival and neat work. 
Plumber leaves, carefully closing door.
There is a loud popping noise.
He holds out a glass of champagne:
Here's to you, light of my life, you always come through for us even before I know there's a problem. 
are you starting to see what this is about? hmm, maybe this should be a regular feature? 

28 comments:

  1. I have my own (non fantasy) version going on right now. Plumbing issue identified yesterday by me, investigated by DH, who called plumber. Plumber asks for $200 just to come out and take a look on Thursday (4 days w/out access to laundry and dishwasher for family of 4 = unpleasant female drinking wine. The good part: DH leaves work early on first day back from holiday to come home and attempt to fix (fingers crossed) the issue. Currently using borrowed snake provided by 80+ year old neighbor.
    Best of all, I have not been recruited to help so I can comment on your blog in my warm house :-)

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  2. Hi, JulieStyles, your DH sounds like a prize! I hope your plumbing issue remains resolved.

    The first time I asked Himself to do something that required (gasp!) tools, he checked with a neighbor. The neighbor's advice was priceless: he told Himself that when he needed a tool, of whatever kind, he rented it from the local hardware store. He did not want anyone to think of him as a guy who could fix things. Fortunately, Himself was not afraid of that characterization, he knew noone would ever think that.

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    1. WWF - If only the issues were resolved. Poor guy - after a trip to Home Depot for yet another snake, he had to call in a plumber. My DH is the guy with the tools, table saw and drills, but sometimes you need the pros with the heavy equipment. I'm hand washing dishes while the laundry piles higher...what can you do?

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    2. IJulieStyles, this is tragic. Get at least some of it to one of those places that washes, dries and folds and you pick it up later, what are they called? Right, laundromats!

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  3. Please regular feature! Please! Laughing my head off here, this is so hilarious. "fantasies of life where people only exist to please you".... truly girl porn vs guy porn illustrates the very real differences between men and women.

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  4. yes, just another way to enjoy those differences.

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  5. Don't forget the boom chick-a-boaw-boaw music! LOL, this was great!

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  6. WFF - you are BRILLIANT!!!!

    Absolutely awesome!

    Could you do one about the husband who encourages the wife to buy that extra pair of shoes or encourages her to watch that Tom Hanks/Meg Ryan movie "one more time because it is so sweet"????

    Definitely a regular feature!!! When you find that man, call me!

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  7. Hi, xoxo, I think the appropriate background would be a choir of male voices chanting "You were right, you're right, you were right..."

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  8. Thanks, WMM! The next one might just be The Shopping Trip," in which a brave man throws himself between our heroine and a hostile 3-way mirror.

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  9. You had me at "Honey, tell me where these go before I put them in the wrong place" ROFL Please make this a regular feature! Thoroughly entertaining! As a side note, my BF grocery shops and cooks and sometimes even cleans up after himself. Fair trade for my tidying up after his biking mess and doing his laundry ;)

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  10. Oh my goodness, I love this! Sigh, I wish my husband could act like this one sometimes and the plumber? That would be A-MAZ-ING.

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  11. This is hilarious! Thanks for the laugh, WFF!

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  12. This is so funny - all I need is a man who absolutely refuses to leave his socks lying everywhere and who just can't stand an untidy bathroom.

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  13. Fantastic!
    If anything like it would ever happen to me I would either feel like I was hallucinating and run hiding under the covers, or the victim of an elaborate prank.

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  14. hi, Closet Crisis, in a fantasy there is no division of labor. There is a Star, and everyone else.

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  15. hi, Rose, keep your standards high!

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  16. hi, Sulky Kitten, in a fantasy the guy tidies the litterbox too.

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  17. Hi, Cris, in girlporn the fantasies are in every room but the bedroom, so no hiding under covers allowed, and besides, we haven't even reached the episode where the guy mows the lawn and edges because her parents are due for a visit.

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  18. hi, SewPetiteGal, we can dream, can't we?

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  19. dani sent me over and i'm glad she did. i'm sure my rackafratz is on the fritz too!

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  20. oh wff0, I love it! More please!!!
    And after serving the tea, he asks if she would like a foot massage and he does not expect that this will lead to anything...

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  21. Hi, thegardener'scottage, welcome! sorry about your rackafratz, has anyone checked the frammis?

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  22. hi, AJC, keep those ideas comIn'!

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  23. This is too funny!! Men and women really do think differently. Although, to be fair, my husband does do most of the heavy duty cleaning around the house. Thanks for the laugh!

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  24. Hi, Louise, there's humor in division of labor too. Stay tuned.

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  25. You are absolutely brilliant, wellfedfred! What a fantastic and funny post...thank you for the laugh this afternoon! :)

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