On the arrival of a package

Emails and fanfares and notifications
herald the arrival of my beautiful shoes.
My feet are dancing in anticipation,
My package is coming – oh joy! Oh joy!
It's Christmas in April, I'll have some new toys!
I ordered two shirts – confirmed! And shipped!
I ordered pajamas, I'll be so well equipped,
I ordered a jacket and two pairs of pants
Should the world situation take me to France
And in case of global warming
or a crisis that calls for disarming
or a nuclear threat from a fanatical meanie,
I'll distract the bad guys in my paisley bikini.
(dreams on)
After a wait, the package is here!
Oh, happiness! Oh, joy! Oh – dear.
With a hurried but thorough inspection
I learn that my treasures fall short of perfection.
The jacket is missing a button, a zipper has broken a tooth,
one of the shirts, um, smells kinda funny,
and the PJ's are well past their youth.
     We won't even discuss the shoes.

Noooo, how could this happen, to me of all people?
I pick up the phone, in voice trembling and feeble
I recount the disaster to customer service
and list my woes in descending order

to a blank-voiced Martian on a training recorder.
She turns my tales of woe to fiction:
The broken zipper's a designer feature,
the missing button is just me being nervous,
leave the jacket open, the weather is sunny.
The shirt's aroma is just an illusion
and the PJ's require a special procedure. 
     We won't even mention the shoes.

I'm leaving tomorrow, I pitifully moan,
can't get to a store, can you rush me replacements?
Mars girl tells me there must be some confusion,
I take a deep breath in staggering amazement
Can I help you with anything else? says the clone.

To save the world, one needs proper attire,
Not remnants retrieved from J.Crew's sub-basement,
And I bang down the phone with elaborate curses
That aren't fit for these family verses
but constitute a terrifying malediction
wishing down on their heads consequences most dire.
As in, you should have to wear those dirty worn mis-sized shoes!


  1. Oh no! I am sorry for your troubles, but this post is a classic :D

  2. thanks, cate,mglad you enjoyed!

  3. Off with their heads! So frustrating. But like cate says, this post is a classic!

  4. So when do we start a victims of Crew-buse support group?

  5. Hi, CC, thanks! Glad you enjoyed!

  6. Hi, Raina, love crew-buse! Isn't the support group on the JCA "vent" thread?

  7. This was a hilarious read, even though it was painful for you. Sorry for your terrible experience!

  8. Hi, Rose, a little poetic license goes a long way.

  9. Hi, Slastena, yes, there's a fine line between comedy and tragedy!


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