a space-age country-western Christmas folk-y ballad
The reindeer have taken early retirement
Like the cops and the teachers and even some firemen
Their overworked hooves are worn and sore
From rushing to move packages from store to shining store.
"I want to decorate my stall, I want to light my way
Across the snowy meadow where the deer and the antelope play."
Go roam with the buffalo, you lazy old goats,
I'll manage without you, no fear.
I'm trimming the workforce and pushing the quota
as quarterly statements draw near.
For efficiency's sake I'm no longer wrapping
And the children are texting their lists.
Look up in the sky, do you hear something flapping?
Compared to last year I'm way ahead
Without an elf, without a sled,
and there isn't a present I've missed.
Each dear little boy will get a fedora,
Each girl will get scarlet-rimmed glasses
To each dad, a home-brew kit
(a guaranteed base hit)
And each mom a Givenchy Pandora,
Distributed by non-union drones
and little Frank and Jenna clones
trailing clouds of fuzzy angora.
coda
Farewell to you, reindeer,
Farewell to you, sled
Farewell to keeping the barn clean
and getting the elves out of bed.
and getting the elves out of bed.
I too am moving with the times
To an offshore island in sunny climes
and an unending supply of rum and limes.
