the social ramble ain't restful

we're going to a Broadway show
I hope it'll be a winner
we're going to a Shakespeare play,
then out with the boss for dinner
what'll I wear, what'll I wear, what'll I wear? 

I'm going on an interview
I only need one good offer
I'm going on an interview
who knows what these guys will proffer
what'll I wear, what'll I wear, what'll I wear?

there's a barbecue at Jerry's house

I'm meeting his parents and friends
it's a barbecue at Jerry's house
it's beginning well, who knows where it ends?

what'll I wear, what'll I wear, what'll I wear?

wanting things to go ok
wanting things to come out right
I don't want to be that girl --
the one whose buttons wouldn't stay
the one whose zipper was too tight,
whose hemlines would unfurl
when she sat down, not me, I'm not that girl.

I'm the girl whose shoes are shined,
I'm the girl whose files are neat.
I'm the girl who's well-prepared
whose stock of supplies can't be beat.

I have candles in my desk drawer,
with matches, with ramen and cookies in store.
Scissors, bandaids, tape and pins you'll find
and three dictionaries - yeah, kind of a bore.
But these clothes fall apart when I wear them
with buttons that hang by a thread,
there are holes in the sleeves of the sweaters
and glue spots between the sole and the tread.

what if I became a nudist?
I'd have an all over tan!
I'd have to tone up some droopy spots
and relearn how to talk to a man.
I'd bring a sunlamp to work with me
in case of a sudden cold draft
and I wouldn't videoconference,
the clients would think I was daft.

meanwhile, tonight: curtain time doth approach!
I've stapled up the hems of my pants,
I've cleaned off my shoes with a ketchup packet
and found a charming antique brooch
to fasten the front of my jacket.

now all I need is a confident stance
till the end of the evening when there might be romance,
when it won't be so bad if my clothes fall apart...
I can throw this stuff out and make a fresh start.

I'll make friends at Nordstrom's, at Bergdorf's and Saks

No more will I order in blind desperation,

then open a package and shout

OH NOOO! No, I'll have a Lady I Call at Neiman,

a Shopper who goes through the racks,

who'll tell me if something is in or is out,

who'll track down my wants like a regular G-man

and end this wardrobe alienation.

Banana Republic: nostalgia, anyone?

I still have vague recollections of quirky little stores with merch sourced from military surplus stores in dubious places (no, you can't have that), travel accessories you'd never need (corduroy canteen cover, anyone?), and a kid's sense of the open road, the romantic, the faraway, the possible...

Banana Republic grew up to be a mall chain selling repetitious office clothes, and I grew up to be, well, me. A nearby branch closed not too long ago, the one with the plaque commemorating Nathan Hale click here to learn more, and I wouldn't have given it a second thought - the plaque is still there, after all - except that I needed a white jacket for what promises to be a tropical heat wave.  "Tropical" still makes me think Banana Republic. However, BR  stores abroad are staffed by people who want to help you find things, but here in the home of mercantile capitalism, the staff is trained more in an earlier European tradition of wanting you to leave. Fast. Now.

And so my recent BR experiences have been electronic. Not that that's a bad thing, because BR has nothing but sales and markdowns and weird events. Like the 3-hour 30% off everything that happened yesterday. I'm so used to this kind of thing by now that I didn't even open the email, I had to run get my library card renewed before the doors closed. Now those people are helpful. I love the staff at my branch library. I have the shameful feeling that if I had come across any of these kids while they were in high school, "library" is a word that might not have come to mind, but there they are, knowledgeable, helpful, courteous, nose in book when the desk's not busy, and if anybody stops-and-frisks any of them on the way home from work he will have to answer to ME.

I wanted a very lightweight white cotton jacket, one that could be tossed over anything without looking overly cute.


This one. Lists for $130, after the promos du jour, it was $78.00, free shipping, no tax. It's 100% cotton, white piqué, plain white edging, fits like a dream. The lining is poly but it's striped, so I forgive it. The jacket is white-white, it's just the camera angle that's making the detail shots look ivory.

And after having faffed around looking at chambray and denim shirts, I'm keeping this one.


I joyfully note the absence of sleeve straps. Also 100% cotton, true-to-size fit, just fitted enough but not so much that it looks like it forgot where it came from. It's a lovely, deeper, bluer blue than is showing up on my screen. No stupid doodads, just a nice comfortable shirt.

And a while ago, I grabbed this beauty - 

100% silk - on another promo. To state the obvious, it's fabulous with tweeds, blacks, greys, reds..... Decent quality silk, the collar doesn't flop around, I don't ask much.

These are all lovely pieces that can go anywhere, although in fred-world, denim doesn't go to the office. Anyone's office. But just about anywhere else. After all, you never know where life will take you.

Readying self and friend to go out into the 

Brutal Market and Find Things...

J.Crew does J.Peterman

The J.Peterman duster has been around since I babysat for professors' kids and thumbed through their magazines (Peterman advertised in The New Yorker, not Highlights for Children). It gave me the idea of protecting the bottom part of my trousers, or my legs in fragile hose, from being splashed by inconsiderate drivers. Even though there's lot of short rainwear around, long remains my preference. I've copied the Peterman catalog's description to show that it is possible to write fanciful or evocative or even silly descriptions without doing serious harm to the English language. I don't think the duster's waterproof, or even water-resistant, nor does my current lifestyle call for anything with a "saddle vent," but I can like the coat, read the copy, and chuckle. In a nice way. I've never known anyone who owned this coat, although I once saw one on a tall guy with clipboard outside a sample sale. He looked like he wanted to be recognized.

Now I turn to another duster-like outer garment, which I haven't seen in person, even on someone with a clipboard. This is the J.Crew Nili Lotan overcoat. The breathless description leaves out the part about the elves who weave the magic fabric while waiting for the cookies to cool and then hand the fabric from tree branches for the birds to admire while the elves box up the cookies. This is disappointing: I would expect no less for an unlined garment going for $528. Otherwise the copy ticks all the boxes: in love, streamlined, understated, effortlessly chic, crafted. Aha! they left out "our newest obsession" and "we're obsessed." I always thought if you had obsessions, you dealt with them and if they really bothered you, you got help. It appears that some (collective) obsessions can just go away. Oh, and it looks to me like the coat "hits" at or above the knee, not at mid-thigh. Now I am chuckling, but not in a nice way.

It's not just the human anatomy that confuses the interplanetary crowd: I've concluded that everything on their home planet is a colloid, since the most basic concepts of, say, a straight line, up vs. down, down vs. across, and the like, continue to elude them. Clearly such concepts are not necessary on a planet where the basic means of locomotion is the ooze.

Let us look at horizontal vs. vertical. ⎮is a vertical line. — is a horizontal line. We will deal with the names of other kinds of lines in the Advanced Session. Now we look at a New Arrival in the J.Crew catalog: the Snowbound Sweater. Made of cashmere along the lines of the classic shetland crew. So far, so good.

 Granted, this is a sewn-in yoke, and a very nice yoke it is. However, there are two seams that connect the yoke to the body of the sweater, and to do this, one of them has to be horizontal. The other has to be vertical. Otherwise the result would be a dustmop, not a garment. So having seams hold one piece of a garment to another is not a feature. It is sewing. It could be a feature if the seaming were decorative. As it is, telling me that my sweater is sewn together suggests that others may not be. Well, if the sweater had been hand-knitted on circular needles, then there might not be any seams, but in that case why add them? Enough, stop, it looks like a nice sweater, I like the idea of the yoke, and I hope some kind soul will order it and let me know how it fits and how the construction is on the inside. I used to cringe when my mom would turn something inside out and point out the reasons she wasn't going to buy it. Now of course I -- is every woman's worst fear turning into her mother, or not turning into her mother? Have you ever heard tapes of your mother coming out of your very own mouth?

I warned you, didn't I, that as Hallowe'en draws near, there will be a number of posts with scary subjects. Turning into one's mother is one of the scariest.

ET, call home: copywriting as a second language

I had hoped that this fall I would be able to make myself stop looking at catalogs and web sites, and concentrate on bringing about world peace so I could enter beauty pageants. Or maybe work with a small team of like-minded individuals to create an anti-pageant where the descriptions, the patter, the biographies and the talents have no relation to what the participants look like or are doing during the narration. But, you know, some things are just too tempting to let pass. So, back to fashion. 


The Copywriter From Space has been in orbit too long. For sheer goofiness,  the description of the Sally dress, no. 48695 on the J.Crew website, is a prizewinner, or at least a contender. The Sally dress is a nice-looking wool dress, simple top, pleated skirt, probably too short for me but feeling tall and lissome at 5'4 is not necessarily unwelcome. 


Here are the dress and the copy:

Structured yet swingy, this properly pleated wool shift is styled with a demure high neckline and a feminine nipped-in waist and comes in day-to-night black. A classic statement with pearls and a great pair of heels. Sleeveless. Back zip. Straight skirt with pleats. Seam at waist. Fully lined. Falls to knee. Part of J.Crew Collection. Import. Dry clean

Right. First, a shift falls from the shoulder 

and has neither nipped-in waist nor pleats.

A "straight skirt" is now called a pencil skirt.

However in the 50's a pencil skirt was called a straight skirt.

In neither incarnation would it have pleats.

A pleated skirt has pleats.

(So does a kilt, but the thought of Copywriter From Space 

being trampled by a bunch of outraged Gaels, 

while it appeals, doesn't belong here. Another time.)

And finally, to whose knees does the dress fall?

Not the model's.

This is why I think the Copywriter From Space does not 

have a human body, but is rather some kind of alien

creature. With a tote bag and a thesaurus.

But no background in fashion.

The Trench Dress, discussed in the previous post, is not yet on the web site, and now we know why. It is beyond the descriptive powers of a creature from another galaxy. But you should look at that dress because, sadly, it's a great idea that just misses. You can describe it to yourself.

ta-da! the fanfare satchel meets the stealth satchel.

Here is the fanfare satchel, closed

and open.

Here is the stealth satchel, open

and closed.

It seems to me that they have met before (hums)

Closer reading reveals that the fanfare bag has a leather body under a net onto which the sequins are sewn. Just askin' for trouble.

I found the Stealth Satchel problematic not just because of the sequins and camo print, but because it was made of fabric (under the sequins) and had no structure. It looked like the kind of thing that would collapse if it had to hold more than a bus pass. I was reminded of  a knitting bag.

I read the J.Crew catalog copy to say that the fanfare satchel is made of leather. The satchel appears to have a frame, thus some structure. But sequins on net on top of a handbag? Let's just say I wouldn't wear it anywhere really festive, unless I had a particular reason for wanting to get caught on someone's buttons.... or for leaving a trail like Hansel and Gretel.

Which reminds me, in case anyone feels like decorating a cake to add a touch of  - whatever - to the Labor Day festivities, may I suggest a tribute to a girl's second best friend:

I'm so glad the legend makes clear that this creation is of frosting. My first thought was that someeone had gone wild with pot cheese. What a relief.

It's our ability to accessorize that separates us from the animals

Or so I've heard
Here's something else I'm not buying
but I'm sure there are
those who will love it
so I will not comment further.

Here is a link to help you learn more
should you wish.

Yes, it is a fully lined leopard-printed
hair calf collar.

Yes, it seems to be expensive.

Oh, well.

Fred sneaks up on the stealth satchel

I crept up on this Collection treasure in the J.Crew flagship store, no less, to see if I could flush out what made it worth $595.  It has little to no leather, is completely unstructured, is lined with fabric (poly, natch), has thinnish leather straps (Factory quality), usual 2 scanty compartments. Its top closes with an ugly zipper. Makes a crinkly noise when you sneakily tip-toe around with it. It had been craftily hidden on a table on the second floor where the sale merch is thrown. I wasn't fooled. I have dealt with stealth before. Plus it's large.  I usually prefer lightweight bags, because they get heavy enough when I put my stuff in them. But not when something is so lightweight (read flimsy) that the stuff would fall right through one or more of the bottom seams. I guess a few words are due about the camoflage sequins. Who would even for a moment think this is appropriate? Well, one could look to the Army of the Potomac, led by General "Fightin' Joe" Hooker. Apparently fightin' wasn't all that took place during his tenure. The use of his name in other contexts based on his leadership (or lack thereof) may be apocryphal, but honestly, when I saw the shiny plastic camo sequins, I just pictured a "lady" in these shorts and these shoes in "vintage fatigue", and with her necessary equipment in the Stealth Satchel, creeping furtively between the trenches to an assignation with Fightin' Joe. Or one of his lonely sentries. We know how it can get in Washington sometimes.

Return of the schoolboy blazer - or not?

If you woke me in the middle of the night, shined a flashlight in my bleary and blinking eyes, and asked, "What must you NEVER EVER FORGET TO DO?"  no matter in what condition I'd staggered to bed, I'd reply "READ THE FINE PRINT."

So when this morning found me hunched over my trusty Iphone (building repairs having incapacitated FIOS), I was happy but suspicious to see that many iterations of the Schoolboy Blazer have returned to the J.Crew website, under the category Jackets and Blazers. I looked at each. Here is my report.

The velvet: "updated with a slightly shrunken and chicer (sic) fit".

The academy stripe: "featuring a posh, slightly shrunken fit". Hmm. Will leave it to readers from Abroad to explain how a fit can be shrunken and posh. Tipsy laundress, p'raps?

Houndstooth: also "features" this fit. Busy laundress.

Navy: has a "slightly shrunken, superchic fit." I think a light is beginning to dawn.

Wool flannel: back to "posh, slightly shrunken."

All of the models are standing slightly (couldn't resist) off-kilter, so you can't see what the shrinkage looks like when the model stands up straight, tries to button more than one button,and tries to put her arms down.

So what I'm wondering is, maybe it's not that the talented designers shrunk the fit, it's that the talented cutters shrunk the marker. This question comes up a lot when I consider awkward sizing, which in my case is often, and I thought I'd google the term in order to provide one or two helpful explanatory links. Sadly, iPhone google is not as comprehensive as big computer google, and this is the only one I found: shrinking the marker

So even though I've longed for the return of velvet jackets and their friends and relations, I'm waiting for reports on the fit, quality and comfort from real-life purchasers. Could this be the origin of Skinny Arm Syndrome? What do you think? Chime in!

Some reviews and a moratorium

A package of unreturnable oddments arrived from J.Crew this afternoon. I am both pleased and relieved. No visible defects, deformities or discolorations, no bad surprises. That's the relieved part. Now for the pleased part. I guessed right on all the sizes! Details:

Navy blue linen perfect shirt just right.

Wearing it to dinner tomorrow night with white jeans, white braided rope wedges.

Ikat madras shirt silly name. A fabric is either ikat or madras, not both. Why not just call it Finally a Shirt in Cheerful Colors? Or if that's too easy to understand, how about Deranged Chameleon? Anyway, it's here and I love it. Will wear with dark jeans, or chinos.

Heirloom lace vest this was hard to find because the Copywriter from Space classified it as a "blazer".

It is definitely not a blazer, since it does not have lapels, collar, or buttons, all of which Le Grand Dictionnaire de la Mode tells me are the essential elements of a blazer. However, it is definitely cute, I wanted an odd piece to throw over a bunch of different things, and this is great. Beautifully made, strange green color that works with blues and purples, not tans. French seams, closes with matching fabric-covered snaps. Looks good open, looks good closed. Wouldn't go for it at full price, I'm ok with it on sale + 30% and free shipping.

Now here's a suggestion: would it be so difficult to rename "Blazers"? Call it "Blazers and Jackets." There. How tough was that?

Mini-resolution: no more spending 'til Labor Day sales. I said Mini-resolution because I'm still working on New Year's resolutions from 2004, having cancelled the last of those from the previous century.

Shopping with Goldilocks

Cascade dress in clay I love this dress. Ordered 2 sizes, don't laugh, thin cotton fabric, hot summer, don't want to wear assertive undersupport and don't want to deal with unintended consequences of excessive cling. I was hoping to find a size big enough to kind of glance off the bits and bumps that stick out, and glide down gracefully. I felt like Goldilocks. Report: The S was not a good choice, the L was just OK, the M was -- just right! The real problem with the L was that the neckline was too droopy. I would have had to tape it to my shoulders to get it to drape nicely. The M clung at the right point on the shoulders. The fabric is soft, the back is very low, I'm a D cup and I doubt I'll get away with "petals," but so far this is a keeper if the right bra is out there for me. I don't think this dress calls for any accessories at all. Seriously. If my hair were very long, I'd screw it up with 2 chopsticks (exam week, anyone?). The line is simple and pure. I'm looking at the silk version and wishing for an event. So: backless bra or stay out of breezes.

The Nili Lotan long white summer dress I'd been flirting with this since I first saw it online. First it didn't arrive at Collection Store, then alis volat propia it flew out. Then the adventuresome little thing popped back on the website on the day of some grand promo or other, and I offered it a new home. We were uneasy with one another at first. I loved its French seams, its placket front, loved the neckband but was unsure about where it fell on me.  However, I thought the cuffs and sleeve openings were stingy and could not push sleeves back with insouciance as directed by Ines de la Fressange. Kiss of death was the fabric, though. It loved its pervasive wrinkles more than me. SA was shocked when I brought it back. Shocked.

Flora skirt  Same sizing issues as Cascade; I've had this one home in 3 sizes, too. They were  all within 1/2 an inch of one another in width, and I lay them out on top of one another, so they all went back. Again, thin fabric for hot summer day-into-night; cling not a desired quality. Sad, because I liked the idea. May play Goldilocks roulette again if I spy popbacks.

Seacomb sweater  Love the mix of colors in this, love the curve of the neckline, love the sleeve. Don't love: the yarn is too heavy for its own good, stretches itself out even over my flat bits, catches on -- well, just about anything. I don't think I'm going to bring it back because I grabbed it on an instore promo, and the summer is getting busy, and I have a pair of cream-colored raw silk slacks that begged me to keep it. But I won't be wearing any jewelry with it.

rompers everywhere - avert your eyes! plus the JCrew factory handbags, an incipient danger for travellers

We've discussed the "onesie for adults" a few times, and I now feel obligated to warn adult and near-adult women of a trendlet which will does not seem to be going away soon enough. I was pleased (yes, I know this is small, but that's how I felt) to see rompers marked down on the J.Crew website, so imagine my refined cries of horror when I opened an e-mail from Lands' End Canvas. They were delighted to advise me that a "classic" chambray romper is now available at their site. This is not a happy development. It is item no. 40333-3X71, for $59.50 (before any promos). In the interests of fashion integrity I am not providing a link.

Out of morbid curiosity, I checked Nordstrom's site - 27 "adult" rompers came up, but this included a few jumpsuit/catsuit thingies, and Bloomingdale's site - 47 "adult" rompers, also including a few (only a few) jumpsuit/catsuits. 

Where on earth would one wear a silk romper with built-in bra cups (Nordies)? To make a presentation on currency conversion fluctuations before the IMF? Please share...

Oh, and this weekend my curiosity got the better of me and I popped into my friendly neighborhood Crewlet to look at the Factory handbags. Not a good idea, J.Crew. The proportions aren't terrible, but the leather doesn't really feel or look like leather, and the cream- or ivory-colored fabric straps on some items are a disaster in waiting. At best, they'll attract dirt and grime, at worst, pickpockets of the "slash-and-grab" variety.

looking again at things I may stalk

a few pieces of interest on the J.Crew website:

short/long desc

no. 44054, a cute black-and-white blouse described variously as Product Short Description and Product Long Desc. in Shirts and Tops and as Secretary Blouse in the Collection Section. The short and long of it is, if this is made of cotton or even silk, it could be a lovely summer-to-transitional item. I see it with white slacks or a long white skirt now, with a black pencil skirt in late August, and with red (not orange) skirt or slacks in the fall. I would definitely not wear it with that absurd parody of lederhosen shown on the website.

Sidewalk blazer

no. 42624, Sidewalk Blazer, double-breasted cotton & linen blazer in a blue-gray glen plaid. It's shown with matching shorts, which is not a look I see going anywhere, but separately, each piece is nice. Would like the jacket with one less row of buttons, over gray linen cuffed slacks.

Soiree

Swing

The Soiree Skirt, 44362, right, is a floral print silk chiffon skirt with pleats. I can't really tell from the photo how long this is, and the rear view photo makes me think it might be skimpy on. Also possibly too short. If not, it could be lovely and romantic. On the negative side, the Plaid Swing Skirt, 43652, left, looks like a late delivery from this past December holiday season with the forgettable tinsel and foil puffy minis and bells and "flattering" gathered waistlines. Oh please.

Flora

Also loving 43031, the long Flora skirt. Really I am. And not a moment too soon. But I'd wear it with a lightweight cotton knit top, tee, tank, and tie it up a little more snugly... I don't like the look of a wardrobe malfunction about to happen.

Caftan

And sadly, the Nili Lotan maxidress in white gauze appears to be sold out already. This was a beach coverup, and looks like a streamlined version of what was called a caftan in olden times, the best and most comfortable thing to throw on on the beach. I liked the looks of it and would happily have tried it on. Failing that, I may poke around vintage shops for an old gauzy cotton caftan. Looks like it may be a hot summer.

Nili Lotan military jacket

I was bemused by the Nili Lotan off-center droopy drawers in the latest J.Crew catalog. Of course, I recognized them instantly as "dhoti pants," inspired by or copied from the men's garment called a dhoti, which is essentially a length of cloth wrapped around the waist, one end passed through the legs, pulled up, and tucked into the waistband. The dhoti is worn by men in central and southern India and in Bangladesh, as well as Nepal and Sri Lanka, often with an oxford shirt or a tunic called a kurta on top. Fashion dhoti pants are worn by women in western Europe, east and west coast United States, coastal Canada, and Mediterranean and Caribbean resorts, generally with a bra or tank top. Men who wear the dhoti often have a spiritual reason for keeping the central part of the body cool. Women
who wear dhoti pants have other reasons for being cool in other ways.

    
Having already sworn never to be seen in a romper (an easy promise to make!), I have extended this oath to the female dhoti. I have to hope, therefore, that by the time I am ready for DePends, some more flattering and convenient outer garment will have been invented.

That said, I was taken aback on today's dash through a J.Crew store, when I saw the most adorable little military jacket. This is another Nili Lotan piece, and is almost cute enough to earn forgiveness for the dhoti pants. It has a short standing collar, single-breasted, and terrific darts from the collar down to the tops of the chest pockets, making it look much more like a tailored "everywhere" piece than a "yardwork" toss-on. And I loved the fabric, cotton, soft, ridged, not quite a corduroy. AND THEN I SAW THE PRICE TAG. ARE THEY CRAZY? An entire village of men who wear real dhotis and their wives and children could eat for a year on the price of this jacket (especially if they are vegetarian). The jacket retails for $555. Before tax. Nuh-uh.